Worker #3116 will be out of the office from Wednesday, Dec. 24, to Monday, Jan. 5. If you need assistance with anything, please talk to the hand, because I am not listening to you.

THIS IS THE LAST CORPORATE CASUAL HEADLINE OF THE DAY FOR 2003!
AND THERE MIGHT NOT BE CCHODs IN 2004, BECAUSE I MIGHT BE DEAD!
I WANTED ONE THAT WAS EXPRESSIVE OF THE HOLIDAYS, AND I GOT IT MOTHERFUCKER!
“MAN SAYS HE GAVE WIFE TOILET SEAT AS GIFT”
(TAKEN FROM SALON.COM)
AWESOME. THAT’S IT, I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, [...]

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like an inter-office memo reminding everyone that even though today we have the luxury of leaving at THREE p.m., it is still a workday, and should be used productively and effectively to meet the goals of the company’s mission statement.
Thanks cocks, your coal is in the mail.

Oh my god, I am so sorry about that fat joke I just made. It was really inappropriate, and I hope it didn’t hurt any fat people’s feelings. I know it’s hard enough just being superfat.

This is a question for all you morbidly obese people out there:
Which is worse, the terrible embarrassment over your physical appearance, or the interior wasteland of someone utterly unloved?
Just curious. Thanks.

Um, did you see this?
“Pataki Pardons Lenny Bruce Posthumously”
(taken from the New York Times)
Was it that slow of a news day in Albany or what?
I mean, if this isn’t just a pandering ploy to garner media attention, if it is an honest to God apology, then Mr. Pataki could at least have granted Mr. Bruce [...]

It is pretty clear to me that everyone involved with livejournal is completely talentless, but I would like to tell you a story anyway and maybe you can empathize.
I was working at Victoria’s Secret Corporate Headquarters as a temp once, and my job was quite simple: call every single store in the United States and [...]

Everyone keeps speculating on whether or not Hillary Clinton will run for President in the 2008 election. Honestly people, a woman in the white house? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. What are we supposed to do, shut down the country once a month while the Commandette in Chief is on the rag? GET [...]

“Cat Rides 150 Miles in Car’s Engine, OK”
(taken from the New York Times)
OK? Do you mean Totally Awesome? “Cat Rides 150 Miles in Car’s Engine, Totally Awesome” makes more sense.
The cat’s name is Tracker. Apparently this trip cost him “a life or two”, either that or the reporter assigned to this story puts too much [...]

At long last, Justin Timberlake has sold his memoirs (to Doug Young at Transworld, way to go Doug), for publication in fall 2004.
I’ve always wanted to read about a white trash kid who just wouldn’t quit until he was the biggest star in the world! Way to go, JT! You’ve rocked my body, now I’m [...]