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Archive for January, 2004

The Adviceicist

Friday, January 30, 2004

Dear Worker #3116,I’ve been seeing this guy for about a year. Things were going great until about two months ago. Then he started coming home late or not coming home at all, and he won’t return my calls. Our sex life has really gone down hill from being wildly awesome to terrifically okay, and I [...]

Who Needs 401k and Health Insurance When You Are Fulfilled and Loving Life!?!

As it turns out, according to my employment agency, temporary positions may last as long as ONE YEAR!
But, I’m a pretty charming guy, and I think I could make an entire career out of it if I just sweet talk the secretaries.

Politic

Thursday, January 29, 2004

In further political news:
Polls show that 97% of voters would support an Alien-Predator ticket.
Please direct your donations to http://www.draftalien-predator2004.com

God Made Him Simple, Science Made Him a God, God That Was Fucking Retarded

Remember the movie Lawn Mower Man, in which a retard gets turned into a video game?
What the FUCK was up with that?

Surprise!

I didn’t think I was going to write anything today, but look, here I am!!!!!!
Hello!!
Living at your PARENTS’ HOUSE is awesome. A lot of people don’t know this, because they think they are “adults” and “independent”, but I am here to tell you that there is nothing better than living at your PARENTS’ HOUSE. Why, [...]

Grammarian

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

I use the King’s English.
You know this.
So stop acting all surprised when I say things like “the skinny one amuses me,” “do my bidding, knave,” and “thy neck shall kiss the blade of the Guillotine on the morrow.”

Politic

There is a lot of circulating gossip on who would be whose running mate when the primaries are said and done. “Oooh, a Dean-Clark ticket would be good.” “Oooh, a Kerry-Edwards ticket would be good.” “Oooh, a Kucinich-Sharpton, or better yet, Sharpton-Kucinich ticket, now that would send a message!” are the types of things that [...]

Politic

Christine Hauser reported in the New York Times this morning that Gen. Wesley Clark and John Edwards “tied for third” with 12 percent of NH primary votes each.
But then there’s a graphic that shows that Gen. Wesley Clark earned 27, 254 votes, while John Edwards earned 26, 415 votes. Um, where’s the tie? I thought [...]

There Are Children

Bitch, don’t bring your kids to the office! That’s what basements are for.

Hello, Cubicle Wall. You Are My Best Friend

This morning I left my house at 7:29:31, which is significant in that yesterday I left my house at 7:28:02 and caught the bus forty-five seconds after arriving at the stop. i.e. when I was leaving my house this morning I was destined to miss the bus by forty-six seconds. So, I walked as fast [...]

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