This Weekend Was Not a Total Loss
This was a pretty good weekend, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I conceived a child or killed anyone, because I didn’t. Conceiving a child and committing murder are totally necessary ingredients to an awesome weekend, because how can you know how super-cool life truly is until you have simultaneously created and taken life in the same forty-eight hour period? You simply can’t at all, totally can’t.
Meanwhile, George W. Bush sure is a jerk, huh?
One day I went to Home Depot, and that day was Saturday, and Home Depot is cool. There was totally all this stuff, and McCullen and I saw it and were like “man this is so much stuff and you could totally do something with this stuff if you weren’t an idiot, but we are an idiot (collectively) and therefore French louvered doors and massive ten-foot high wooden dowels are like so much worn out kleenex to us. Read: useless.” Then I saw these plastic face-guards and I suggested to McCullen that we get a couple of those and wear them to a party and yell “No kisses” at people, but he was like “why am I going to spend six dollars NOT to kiss anyone?” and I was like “do you even have six dollars?” and then we stopped talking until we were back in the car.
Also, on Sunday morning I woke up and my lower back was killing me and I was like what the fuck, why is my lower back killing me? And then I remembered that I had gotten into at least three fights at the party the night before, and although they were totally gay sucker-punch fights with a bunch of pussies, I apparently lost.
Ha ha ha ha. Like my friend Garfield, I too love lasagna and absolutely HATE Mondays!