Last night I saw a man with no legs readjust his wheelchair over and over again to get a better view of the inside of a luxury chocolate shoppe. I imagined that in his head he was thinking One day I’m going to get those prostheses, and I’m going to walk into Chocölad like a [...]

For a few days I’ve been trying to decide if I like this band called The Killers, so I’d just like to thank VH1 this morning for showing a The Killers video and helping me make my decision.
I wish VH1 would stop reorganizing their programming to appeal to a younger audience. I kind of liked [...]

Oops!
There was one okay part of my weekend which was when we went to the karaoke bar and I was pretty much 100% trashed and I tried to fill out a request slip but I was too drunk to write neatly and I also didn’t want to use my real name and so the little [...]

Do you know why MTV calls their show Cribs? It’s because celebrities are a bunch of babies. Jesus Christ. First there was Shaggy, who, I mean, when was Boombastic a hit? In 1902? Wasn’t Boombastic a hit back in the day when black musicians only had their music broadcast on the radio and they tried [...]

McCullen told me this story about the Russian guy at the store (Marseilles? What the fuck kind of name is this for anyone—other than, like, a Marquise or some shitty noble, who would be too busy penning billets doux to be working at a liquor store anyway—much less a Russian?). Marseilles was coming to the [...]

I watched FOX News for the first time ever this morning—The Bill O’Reilly Spin Factor Hour Zone excluded—and it wasn’t as bad as all of the liberal elite are always trying to force me to believe against my will.
Go Bush!
Go Iraq!
Booooooooo!
My favorite part was when they interviewed the NY police commissioner about preparations being made [...]

I have this fantasy involving the Yin Yang Twins, where I beat one of them up while the other just watches.
Peace What!

Going to see Napoleon Dynamite is a lot like going to a taping of TRL, except that the girls are even dumber because they’re not trying to look good on TV. Jesus Christ, I was waiting for them to start serving graham crackers and apple juice halfway through. And why do college kids laugh at [...]

This one time, and maybe I told this story before, but everyone in my fourth grade class was teasing me and so I stopped playing ragball or whatever we were playing and started walking back to the school and these two known bullies walked up to me and were like “why you crying?” “what’s the [...]

Ever had one of those mornings where you look at the alarm clock and say to yourself “No, it can’t be 9:30 because I’m at work at 9:30.”
Ever have one of those this morning at 9:30?