corporate3116: what must have happened is a spider got caught under my shirt while i was sleeping or something, but it bit the hell out of me like five times
corporate3116: and then it got out
corporate3116: of my shirt
corporate3116: but now i have all these sores on my chest, spider bites
corporate3116: what kind of amazing powers [...]

If one imagines that Jenny McCarthy took time off from her awesome career as a whore to have a child, then the trajectory of her career, if it is any indication at all, suggests that she has been pregnant for eight years.

Attention Mothers-to-Be: Please don’t listen to anything Jenny McCarthy may have to tell you.
Attention [...]

Everyone in the whole world knows that I love celebrity gossip, so I was very distressed to see this on Page Six in the New York Post:
“GOOD thing the Violets don’t get violent. The punk trio was booked Saturday at 21 Water in Sag Harbor. But the group claims that 30 minutes before the show, [...]

“Okay, MTV, I’m ready for some raps,” I said, this morning. But all MTV gave me was that Nelly video again (apparently the cut/scrape on his face has cleared up) and then MTV was like “You know what you need? Made!” And I was like, “I don’t really think that’s what I need,” and MTV [...]

When I read in the New York Post that Lindsey Lohan was spotted buying promise rings with Wilmer Valderrama at Tiffany’s this weekend I was like “WHAT! You’re dating Paco or Peekachoo or whatever that brown-skinned one’s name from That Teenagers Show is called?! WTF LOHAN?!”
Lindsey, just FYI, from now on I will only fuck [...]

I collected a lot of my mail last night that I wasn’t getting during the summer and I had received this hand-addressed envelope from my karate school and inside was this photocopied essay from some book on how to teach karate or something and at the top it had a red-markered message from the head [...]

Your headache just got a whole lot more delicious and refresciente!

Maybe this seems obvious to some people, but I should really probably stay away from narcotics and other super good drugs, because a lot of times I’ll be like “Ho hum, my day is so boring, I am so tired, cry cry cry,” and then I’ll drink a cup of coffee and be like HOLY [...]

Thieves stole Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” from a museum in Oslo this weekend, and I’m thinking What, your mousepad and coffee mug wasn’t good enough? You needed the real, ugly thing?

Living at my mom and Herb’s house has its perk: cable television. While I was eating breakfast this morning I watched some MTV (that stands for Music Tele Vision). At first, I tried to watch the Today Show, which I used to like to watch while I ate breakfast, but Matt—Someone Love Me, Please—Lauer was [...]