Look,
I love a good tuna fish sandwich. But people, mainly “women,” are always trying to tell me about the mercury.
“Don’t eat so much tuna fish, it’s got mercury in it.”
“Oh, no, mercury is a toxic chemical. Pollution is negatively affecting the native fish populations of the world.”
“Mercury! Boo!”
You just don’t get it, do you? [...]

I like to take little power naps, like five minute naps, right before I get ready for work. Sometimes I like to take them in the afternoon, too, but especially in the last five minutes of freedom in the morning. But sometimes I can’t tell if I’ve actually fallen asleep or not, it’s so light [...]

Clown Coffee: You should let me borrow your Arrested Development DVDs.
Worker #3116: They’re not mine.
Clown Coffee: Whose are they?
Worker #3116: Stevil’s.
Clown Coffee: Oh, he’ll let me borrow them.
Worker #3116: I’m sure, but you have to ask him.
Clown Coffee: Why don’t you just do it for me?
Worker #3116: No, you can do it yourself. You’re an [...]

Yesterday, I found a small, bruised welt on my arm. I’ve got no idea where it came from. It looks suspiciously like something a syringe filled with top-secret military-industrial-complex bio-chemicals might leave. Basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that the government is trying to suppress the secrets that I have buried in my [...]

There is a carnival for charity at my work today. It is in a windowless conference room. They have “prizes,” and there was a magic show. Clown Coffee and I were very excited about the magic show, but then we saw the magician, who looked like an extra from some movie about Alcoholics Anonymous. It [...]

At the grocery store yesterday, the check-out woman asked me if I’d like to “donate a dollar to breast cancer.” I said sure, why not? So look out, ladies, because breast cancer now has one dollar more in resources to continue its fight against you.
Check that out: nothing like a balls-out breast cancer joke to [...]

Last night I saw 50 Cents on TV. He wored a baseball hat. In the brim of the hat was a medium sized circular hole. I guess that is where the battery-operated fan used to be.

Last night’s solo viewing of Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior was what we in “the business” call “a mixed blessing.” On the one hand: Ong Bak: The Thai Warrior=Sweet! On the other hand, it was seriously hard for me to sleep afterwards because I kept thinking about Tony Jaa’s hard-hitting moves. Tony Jaa has proved [...]

[At a nearby table, a child screams and throws a plate on the floor.]
Mom #3116: I could never have brought you here when you were that age.
Worker #3116: You can barely bring me here now.
Mom #3116: Oh, you’ve gotten a lot better.
Worker #3116: It’s true.
Mom #3116: Fewer tantrums.
Worker #3116: I can hardly remember the last [...]

Australia-This-Australia-That: Where are you?! I’ve been waiting here, all ready to go for, like, fifteen minutes.
Worker #3116: Ha ha. Very cute.
Australia-This-Australia-That: Seriously.
Worker #3116: I do not know what you are talking about.
Australia-This-Australia-That: …
Worker #3116: …
Australia-This-Australia-That: Let’s go out!
Worker #3116: No.
Australia-This-Australia-That: You don’t want to go out?
Worker #3116: No. What’s going on on Saturday?
Australia-This-Australia-That: Saturday?!
Worker #3116: [...]