Clown Coffee is wearing these retarded jeans today that look like something I would have worn in Junior High with the cuffs pegged. They got me thinking about those Bugle Boy commercials where people would go out of their way to imply that they were sexually attracted to you, when really they were just sexually attracted to your horrible jeans. And I was thinking about how those ads would look today.

2006 Bugle Boy Jeans Ad #1
Nightclub. Nelly plays in the background. Scantily clad women gyrate, people drink expensive cocktails, the men all have five o’clock shadow and their shirts half-unbottoned. A man stands by the bar in his Bugle Boy jeans. He sees a woman in hot pink eye-liner with a razor-cut hairdo sitting on a velvet couch, checking him out. She runs a hand along her upper chest. Beads of sweat have collected on her upper lip. The man tries to play it cool, but he looks over and the sexy woman is still checking him out. The bartender sets down the man’s Smirnoff Ice, and as he goes to pick it up the woman’s fingers graze the back of his hand. Nervously, he looks up. “Hi…” he manages. The woman smiles seductively. “Are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?” she asks. Confidently, the man nods. “Why, yes, they are,” he says. “TOLD YOU BITCH, PAY UP!” the woman shouts to her friend, still sitting on the velvet couch across the crowded bar. “YEAH, BUGLE BOY JEANS, CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT?” she yells as she recrosses the room to get the bet-payoff from her friend.

2006 Bugle Boy Jeans Ad #2
Coastline. Rob Thomas plays in the background. A convertible sports car races alongside the ocean. Sunlight plays on the water. The man driving the sports car runs a hand through his hair and punches the gas. Suddenly, a police siren starts to wail. In his rearview mirror he sees a policecar giving chase. He slows down and pulls onto the shoulder of the road. When the door of the police car opens he is surprised to see a stunningly sexy policewoman emerge. She walks sexily up to the car, her ticket pad in hand. The man grins. “I’m sorry, officer, I guess I didn’t realize how fast I was going.” The policewoman gives him an icy glare. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the car.” The man complies. “You’ll have to be more careful,” she says seductively, her lips slightly parted. ”You wouldn’t want me to have to take you in,” she says as she’s patting him down. She stops at his legs. “Are these Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?” The man looks slyly over  his shoulder. “Why, yes they are.” The policewoman tears the ticket from the pad and hands it to him. “I’m giving you the full ticket for 20 over. Fucking Bugle Boy jeans, you’ve got to be kidding me.” The policewoman gets into her car and drives away, leaving the man on the side of the road in a cloud of dust.  

2006 Bugle Boy Jeans Ad #3
Coffee Shop. A young man sits, working on his laptop. Bright Eyes plays in the background. Across the cafe he spots a young woman reading and listening to an iPod. She looks up, their eyes meet. She smiles. This happens two or three more times. It is clear that they are checking each other out. Finally, she approaches his table. “Hey,” she says. “Hey,” he says. “I think I met you one time…at Kristine’s party.” The young man nods. “Oh yeah, totally. That was a fun party.” “Yeah, it was. Hey,” she says, “this might be kind of a weird question, but are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?” The young man nods, laughs. “Why yes they are,” he says, jokingly. “Laundry day,” he offers. She smiles and says “See you around.” He smiles back. When she gets back to her table she begins to call someone on her cell phone and puts her book into a shoulderbag. As she leaves, the young man can overhear snippets of her conversation: “guy…from your party…I know…I can’t believe you fucked him.”