Foxx in the Snow
McCullen relayed a story to me once that Slugger had told him about living in L.A. Slugger worked at a bar, and one night he was closing up and the manager sent him to clear out the V.I.P. room upstairs. So Slugger goes up there and when he opens the door the first thing he sees is a naked woman lying on the pool table while a man fucks her with a pool cue. The next thing he sees is Matthew Perry standing in the corner, having a jovial conversation.
Stories like these convince me that celebrities know something that we don’t. Something dark and dangerous. MATTHEW PERRY? Come on! Serving Sara? The Whole Nine Yards? THE WHOLE TEN YARDS? The guy is a douche. You should not let him near your Eyes Wide Shut sex-party, he will only ruin it with some lame pun joke about hooters.
Nevertheless, it is with this seamy West Coast underworld of sexual degredation that I express to you women my concern about your current relationship with Jamie Foxx. JAMIE FOXX IS NO MATTHEW PERRY. Have you even been looking at his face this whole time? It’s got “I’mma date rape you” written all over it. And it’s his new song that really started setting the alarm bells off in my head:
Girl get comfortable we bout to do something you neva done before
Baby not the usual tonight we gettin unpredictable
So tryyy to roll wit me baby… baby
I’m a make you feel like you neva felt,
Girl all because you let me get unpredictable
At first it seems like he probably just means anal, but then you remember that it’s Jamie Foxx, who has been giving girls anal since third grade, so it’s definitely not just anal. We’re talking golden showers, dirty sanchez, rusty trombone, all those gross scatalogical sex acts you got in an email-forward going around the college campus. And that’s just foreplay. Peeing and shitting on your naked body are his way of saying “IIIIIIT’S SHOWTIME!” STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN. If he starts making you “feel like you neva felt” jam your thumb and forefinger into his eyes, kick him in the groin, rip his diamond-stud earring out, and scream “I’m being Ray-ped.”
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. But in America, the fake blind man is fucking nasty.
March 1st, 2006 at 3:35 pm
I read this and I was like…nice…Belle & Sebastian AND cocaine.
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