Hipster Erotica
The other day I made my daily pilgrimage to Cup of Life, the local Fair Trade coffee shop that bravely struggles to show these sheep that there are alternatives to the exploitative monster that is Starfucks. I ordered my cup of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go Blend” Honduran Green Mountain, when I heard a familiar voice behind me. “Let me get this.” A man in a baseball cap stepped forward and said, “Make that two.” Oh. My. God. Sufjan Stevens just bought my coffee. I didn’t know what to do. He turned and smiled at me. “Want to get a table?” he asked. “Better yet, want to go back to your place?” I was shaking as Janice, who does a pretty amazing burlesque act that totally reappropriates homonoramtive ideas about sexuality and femininty, handed me my cup of coffee and shrugged.
Sufjan Stevens and I sat on the edge of my bed and talked for hours about everything. It sounds dumb to say it, but he actually gets me. He said that I was one of the most genuine people he’d ever met, and that I was actually cool, not like one of those people who obviously wants to be cool, but who just is, like a coolness that comes from deep within and is as much a refutation of cool as an embrace of it. We held hands and talked about the future, and about how Teddy Geiger is a corporate construct, and about animatronic puppets at Disneyworld taking over the planet. Sufjan Stevens has the most amazing eyes. Then Sufjan Stevens pulled out his guitar and played a song that he’d written just for me. It was called “Amanda Knows What No One Else Knows She Has the Most Beautiful Nose! Eureeka!” When he’d finished the song he wiped a tear from the corner of my eye, and told me that my outfit was amazing. “I would never have thought to put that top with those trousers,” (he used the word trousers! so cute!), “but it totally works. And I see a lot of outfits when I’m out on tour. Speaking of, would you like to go on tour with me?”
Then, slowly, Sufjan Stevens pulled down my sweat shop-free American Apparel boys’ shorts and slid one, two, then three fingers into my vagina.
June 29th, 2006 at 10:13 am
Brava! Thank you. We know this is fiction because in real life he’s gay, but even if he *were* trying to prove he was straight, he would have asked politely before inserting each finger, ala Antioch College circa 1992. “I’m a male feminist! I practically have my own ovaries! Take back the night!”
FUCK Sufjan Stevens. The real one and the fictional one.
(I know, I know, get yer own blog, CC)
June 29th, 2006 at 10:16 am
I smell Pulitzer.
June 29th, 2006 at 10:40 am
I really don’t think he’s gay Clown Coffee…
June 29th, 2006 at 10:49 am
applouse applouse!
June 29th, 2006 at 11:21 am
Gold!
That pretty much sums it up
June 29th, 2006 at 11:36 am
In your dreams, Cupcake. Then why was he sitting next to me at the big Barbra Streisand concert in Las Vegas on New Year’s? Screaming and crying like a girl?
I heard Devendra Banhart is his boyfriend. From a reliable source.
June 29th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
Sufjan Stevens is not real. He is a post-colonial construct envisioned by the keepers of midwestern hegemonic ideals, and realized by the children of dungeon masters.
June 29th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
just like clown coffee, narnia!
June 29th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
I think you meant fair trade, brah.
June 29th, 2006 at 3:30 pm
Fine.
June 29th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
Do you care about the kind of people who would find this funny?
June 29th, 2006 at 6:14 pm
We hate all the same things.
Want to put a finger in my vagina? Only up to the knuckle though.
June 30th, 2006 at 5:12 am
Brilliant. Maybe we can work out a product placement deal. Get in touch.
June 30th, 2006 at 11:48 pm
genius.
July 2nd, 2006 at 8:21 pm
barf.
July 5th, 2006 at 5:15 pm
If I had a vagina, I’d prefer Jonathon Richman’s fingers sliding in and out…while singing Dodge-veg-o-matic… That’s real f-ing hipster erotica…
July 5th, 2006 at 7:40 pm
I disagree. I think the forests are our greatest natural resource.
July 13th, 2006 at 12:12 am
i think sufjan will fall in love with a soul.
whether that soul belongs to a male or female
is somewhat secondary
September 7th, 2006 at 10:12 pm
…I want you all to proceed with what you’re doing here. At an accelerated pace.
April 9th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
I believe this site is evidence of the stunting of both intellectual and emotional maturity caused by a generation raised on television whom supplement this lack of substance with drug use and then continue to blow smoke up one another’s ass in an attempt to fill the void of empty behaviour that occupies their ever aging lives
April 25th, 2007 at 10:17 am
That’s “who,” not “whom.”
December 13th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Why only upto the knuckle? Lol
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