If I Can Make It There, Who Cares
Guess what I hate?
I’ve been a defender of Chicago for many years. Friends and loved ones would be all like, “I hate Chicago,” and I’d be like, “Good hot dogs! Um…Reckless Records!” But the tides have turned. Chicago, I hate you.
Whatever. It’s mostly that I was thinking about, like, the world…and stuff…the other day, and I realized that out of all the places in the whole world that I could ever go, I don’t ever need to go back to Chicago. Why? There’s not a single reason, ever.
“Worker #3116, what about the Pitchfork festival this weekend?”
Well, for one, I hate festivals. Festivals are for assholes. It’s even worse when the festival is in a city that everyone knows is kind of lame, but which they are too scared to leave for something better. Chicago is the Boston of the midwest, and you know what else sucks: Boston. Not to mention the fact that the Pitchfork festival is basically going to be Lollapalooza in track shorts and a moustache. Blech.
“Worker #3116, what about the big city bustle with a laid back attitude.”
No, and no. For one, there is no big city bustle. What there is is a bunch of people wandering around, feeling like they should have somewhere to go because it’s a big city, but then remembering that they don’t, because THERE IS NOTHING TO DO. And as for the laid back attitude, that is called laziness, and it comes from eating a lot of ribs and acting like you give a shit where the blues were invented.
“Worker #3116, what about all the traffic on the Dan Ryan so that it takes a million years to get anywhere?”
True, that is awesome.
“Worker #3116, what about all the fat mediocre people with sausage moustaches and the general feeling of being in a city-wide frat party?”
Right. That reminds me: Chicago, eat my butt.
July 28th, 2006 at 2:18 pm
i like all the fat people, because on days when i am particularly dehydrated, i feel better about myself because they never got to have a parasite for weight control.
and, maybe it is also the immediate comparison to the last place i lived, but i don’t think it’s THAT BAD here.
i’m going to go cry now.
July 28th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
whoa whoa whoa. fuck pitchfork? fine. fuck city-wide frat parties? fine. fuck mustaches? FUCK YOU
chicago isn’t for everyone. there’s really not much of a gay scene outside of halsted anyway. where abouts in chelsea are you moving?
July 28th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
That’s another thing I hate about Chicago: gay pylons. Any city that designates its gay friendly neighborhood with municipally funded, rainbow-striped, gay pylons is a bullshit city.
Decorate your gay friendly neighborhoods the way the rest of us do, with the prone bodies of hate crime victims.
July 28th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
Those aren’t pylons, they’re electric fences…Unlike other cities we keep ‘em caged in so they don’t overun the graphics department at your office or talk to loudly at the burger joint or turn your favorite bar into “boa night”…..
July 28th, 2006 at 3:49 pm
also people who live in chicaco go CRAZY when you mention what a shitty city it is. They come out of the woodwork and go googoo crazy when you say chiccogo is a crap city and they go:
“what do you mean (chomp chomp chew chew) i love it here. what you talking about (gobble slurp)? this is a veeeery (burp gobble chew) metropolitain city….oh ok, well you are right, are you going to eat that? it kinda sucks, but it just beats my little shitvillage in Idowa (BLURP!)!”
July 30th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
Darkpony NAILED it. Fat, dull ex-farm people love Chicago. And buffets. They move there so they can “move to the city” but still drive back home to bring in the crops when Ma and Pa call. Everyone else should be skeptical — at best — of this “city.” Worker, “Boston of the Midwest” is pretty good, too, although that’s kind of unfair because Boston doesn’t make any grand claims for itself; I think Bostonians know Beantown is basically provincial, but they’ve got lots of money, so they don’t care too much what you think. Chicago, tragically, doesn’t know it’s provincial. As #3116 can attest to, I’ve been publicly on the record against Chicago my whole life. Even as a child from Detroit visiting my uncle there, I didn’t like it.
Ugh, I’ve got to get my own blog, because I could talk all day about how much Chicago blows.
July 31st, 2006 at 9:13 am
If only we could love New York and LA as much as they loved themselves.
July 31st, 2006 at 10:30 am
And what exactly is wrong with bringing in the crops with ma and pa?
July 31st, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Also, they’re not pylons, they’re obelisks. And yes, Chicagoans do know the status of their urbanicity — they live in houses, not apartments. Its hard to have metropolitan delusions when you have two porches, a living room and a backyard. Chicago’s biggest problem is its constant red-headed stepsister like comparison to New York, not its habit of hot dogs and fat people.
First is the worst, second is the best, darkpony wears tight jeans and there’s dog poop on his chest…and his rent is too high and he hasn’t seen the sun in 3 weeks and fuck you Chicago is fine.
STICKS AND STONES BITCHES
July 31st, 2006 at 12:41 pm
thanks for writing this. i needed to read it. i too should start my own blog on how i hate chicago. it is the unsalted nut. of everything.
July 31st, 2006 at 2:04 pm
darkpony doesn’t wear jeans!
jeans are what you bumpkins wear to ‘bring in the crops’ eh ok?!
don’t step in any cowpattys, patty!
July 31st, 2006 at 2:05 pm
wait. I mean DUNGOREEES!
August 1st, 2006 at 3:43 pm
If an NYU student is late to the indie film du juor because of traffic created by the throngs of rich nose-jobbed bitches with rich daddies on their way home from their “advertising internships”, does that make it a city busy w/ “things to do”?
August 1st, 2006 at 4:31 pm
hahaha. great point.
But no one is reading this thread anymore!
August 2nd, 2006 at 12:45 pm
Flame Wars and Double Stuffed Oreos!
Leave a Reply