Remainders: And Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Oscar Is What? Chopped Liver?
WE’RE #1 (+19)! WE’RE #1 (+19)!
A Kaavya Viswanathan for the Self Help Set. Just Without All the Plagiarism and Stuff.
Gossip Roundup: Lance Armstrong Wins Tour de Paris, i.e. Loses
Carson Daly Turns His Midas Touch of Lameness on Internet
You’re the One For Me, Fatty
When We See Jennifer [...]

Remainders: Aquaman? More Like…Cocaine…Man! OH, SNAP!
Jews for Bong Hits 4 Jesus
Looking at the Look Book
Pedophilic Polygamist Caught with His Pants Up
Gossip Roundup: Jessica Simpson and John Mayer Make Ugly Music Together
Like Shooting Robert Evans in a Barrel
Mega-Ditto, ‘New York Post’
Team Party Crash: ‘Nylon Guys’ Party
MTV to Feature Special NYPD/FDNY Episode of ‘NeXt’
Nerds Demand Katie Couric [...]

Remainders: Will the Fake Slim Shady Please Sit Down
John Mark Karr So Wishes He Was Bruno Hauptmannn Right Now
We Are Drunk Right Now!
Gross, ‘Vanity Fair.’ Gross.
Gossip Roundup: Justin Timberlake Is Bringing Sexy Back, Those Sick Kids Don’t Know How to Act
La Grande Disappointment
Queen Amidalah Wishes Israel, Lebanon, Dagobah System Could All Just Get Along
We Suddenly [...]

The devastating fire in the Bronx yesterday that resulted in 23 serious injuries, including two deaths, is tragic, and the details are horrific, like the final scene in Backdraft where they’re on that collapsing scaffolding and the guy is like “Give me your hand,” even though they are enemies, but he does, and then it’s [...]

Remainders: ‘Jane’ Magazine Successfully Gives ‘One Night in Paris’ Gravitas by Comparison
Jews for Jokes About Jews for Jesus
Snakes on a Train
Life & Style Weekly to Get a Hotmail Account Soon
BREAKING: Jewish Professional Athlete Actually Jewish
Meredith Vieira Cannot Sit with Us at Lunch Anymore
Gossip Roundup: Shut Up, Your Mom Loves Carly Simon Too
“Dyn-o-Mite!” Slips 1,000,000 Places [...]

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been creepily shuffling through my mind ALL DAY!
(Volume UP.)

Yesterday I saw a guy wearing a Jamiroquai shirt.
That’s the joke.

Ti-1000: ok, :-0 –8
Worker #3116: bye
Ti-1000: is this better
:-0 ==8
Ti-1000: than the original?
Worker #3116: it’s bigger
Worker #3116: it looks like you’re exaggerating
Worker #3116: don’t stuff your emoticons
Ti-1000: really it’s how you use it, I guess

(news.yahoo.com)
Killer Whale 2: You posted a MySpace bulletin.
Killer Whale 1: I posted a MySpace bulletin.
Killer Whale 2: Oh, snap.
Killer Whale 1: It was like, it was like “Big Blue is a skank-ass nigga. He cries when he cums. He will wear your clothes while you are out of the apartment, and when you come home [...]

I’ve written three different introductions to this post, but none of them work. The shit just makes me laugh. Volume UP.