I bought one of those healthy cereals that some hippie on the farm his lawyer wife bought him invented because when it comes to this body, ladies, we are dealing with a cut temple, and because it was actually cheaper than Cheerios. But I started to regret my decision almost immediately, when I got home [...]

(cnn.com)
Awwww, look! A baby hungrily approaching a lucite dildo.
What?

So Lindsay finally convinced me to sign up for dodgeball, which, I don’t really want to talk about it. Up until about a month ago I had still never sent a text message in my life, which I felt was one of the last few good things you could even say about me, and now [...]

Yesterday
bootsUK: http://news.yahoo.com/
sinbad weighs in on the kramer controversy
worker3116: oh man
i screenshot that this morning
bootsUK: yeah, totally!
worker3116: so hilarious
who cares, sinbad?
bootsUK: ihahahahahaha
haha, who cares, houseguest?
ok, i have to go
internet cafe time is running out
ttyl
Today
bootsUK: so i didn’t realize that sinbad had been at the club where kramer had been performing
worker3116: doing what?
serving drinks?
oh
washing dishes
of course
bootsUK: [...]

(New York Times)
1. Oh, hell non!
2. I’m not surprised that the Louvre wouldn’t know that rappers are black, but you’d think the photo researcher at the New York Times would be sharp enough to realize that this guy is about as “street” as the new H&M Viktor & Rolf collection is “haute couture.”

I predict that this year’s seasonal culinary sensation will be the Whalepheasantelopenfant.
You’ve probably already seen this on the cover of Gourmet, but it is a whale, stuffed with an elephant, stuffed with pheasant, which is in turn stuffed with antelope, all wrapped around a human baby.
And for you vegetarians: tofalepheasantelopenfant!

The man who lives in the apartment next to me is this old black guy of indeterminate nationality. He mops the floors once a week with straight ammonia, and sometimes he sticks incense in the doorframe, but the building still smells like shit.
But this weekend there was an envelope for him in the entryway [...]

Jive handshakes.
No one that I spend any time with does jive handshakes, which means if I am experiencing a jive handshake it is with someone I’m just meeting. Now why on Earth would you think that I’d want to spend any more time having physical contact with any part of your body than I [...]

If you were cool, you saw Superchunk last night, but you are not cool, which is why I was the only one there.
I don’t have anything funny to say. It was nothing but hits, and it took me back! It was like that Three 6 Mafia song about when you were a kid, but with [...]