Hate This Fridays!
Vegans. I hate Moby, too, but this week it’s vegans.
Hating vegans is like shooting fish in a barrel, which is awesome, because shooting fish in a barrel would make a vegan cry. Granted, making a vegan cry is like shooting fish in a barrel, but I think you see how this can become a perpetual motion machine of maximum pleasure, can’t you, Johann Bessler.
There is no argument for veganism. Vegetarians, you’re already on my watchlist, but I’m willing to accept a few of your more common positions including “I do not like the taste of flesh,” and “I’m a pussy.” Vegans are simply asking to be dragged out behind the barn and shot, by God. Our bodies were not designed–but if they were designed, they were still not designed to eat a vegan diet. It’s unhealthy. And it’s always vegans who are like “no, I don’t eat any animal products, is there any more Franzia in the fridge? Oh, and could I bum a cigarette.” It reminds me of this girl in college. One time I was talking to her about her chronic depression and I asked her why she didn’t see someone and get some medication. “I’ve gotten prescriptions for anti-depressants before,” she said, “but I never take them. I just don’t want to fuck up my brain chemistry.” Oh, I forgot to mention, she was a heroin addict.
And don’t give me this shit about not wanting to exploit other living things. Everything exploits something else in order to survive. You can have some kind of I-don’t-kill-things-and-I-don’t-do-anal kind of philosophy about the whole thing, but cheese is fucking delicious. And you know it! Vegans are always crying about the things they choose not to have, as if it’s being forced on them, like “I wish I could have a slice of pizza!” What is this? Year three of the siege on Stalingrad? You actually can have a slice of pizza, you just choose to be an asshole. If I had a shitload of money I would charter a boat and send all of the vegans to Africa and make them explain to starving people why they can’t have refined sugar. “Did you know they use bone char in the de-colorization process?! Isn’t that gross?”
NIGGA WHAT?
Oh man, and your fucking food! I love when vegans are like “you have to try this vegan cupcake, it’s amazing,” and then you try it and you’re like “Now THAT is an awful cupcake! Like I’m not that big of a fan of cupcakes in the first place, but this is a surprisingly bad cupcake! Thanks!” Or when vegans are like (this is true, this has been said to me) “I read somewhere that your sperm tastes better when you’re a vegan,” and I’m like, “Um, that’s so not my problem I don’t even know where to begin.”
Don’t even get me started on going out to eat with a vegan, also known as sitting down at a restaurant but then leaving before the waitress has even brought the waters.
So, there you go. It’s like, what’s Kim Jong Il’s problem? Why can’t he detonate all the vegans in some mountain range?
November 3rd, 2006 at 3:08 pm
I’m friend with a few vegans, in NYC you can’t really avoid that, but still, I. Love. You. You say what I can only say after like 5 whiskey shots. Oh, and I’m a vegetarian alcoholic. Hypocrisy is awesome!
November 3rd, 2006 at 3:46 pm
Q: What do you call a vegan that never, ever sanctimoniously brings up veganism?
A: NONEXISTENT!
November 3rd, 2006 at 4:20 pm
This is the best thing I’ve read all day. Please accept a hearty “true dat!”
I also like when vegan assholes get on a soapbox about cruelty to animals while wearing leather.
November 3rd, 2006 at 4:33 pm
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH VEGANS WHEN THEY FINALLY STOP BEING VEGANS??? YOU’D THINK, HM, MAYBE SOME CHEESE AND HONEY TO EASE INTO IT. BUT NOOO THEY GO ALL HARDCORE LIKE “mmm I LOOVE ME SOME STEAK! I EATS IT ALL THE TIME NOW! I’VE BEEN RESENTING MYSELF AND MY DIET FOR YEARS AND NOW IT’S ALL COMING OUT IN ONE MASSIVE MEAT-SHIT!!”
November 3rd, 2006 at 5:34 pm
I had this boyfriend… we broke up, he moved to Seattle and became a Vegan. I was traveling there for work one day and I took him out to dinner at one of Seattle’s best restaurants. Everyone there loves Vegans so he had many options for dinner. He, however, chose the Oregon free range Kobe steak. When I reminded him that he was Vegan, he said “but I knew you before I became Vegan… so just don’t tell anyone… OK?”
It was amazing.
He is a vegan hippie organic farmer now, natch.
November 3rd, 2006 at 5:35 pm
something i hate more than Moby: someone trying to poke some semantic hole in an ethical choice to make him feel better about not having any ethical choices.
November 3rd, 2006 at 5:48 pm
I just know I read somewhere that vegetables scream when you pick them…
November 3rd, 2006 at 5:51 pm
Angelina and my ex are eating Kobe steaks at his hippie farm in Oregon right now laughing their asses off at us non-Vegan idiots.
November 3rd, 2006 at 6:35 pm
I eat meat.
November 3rd, 2006 at 6:45 pm
Stalingrad! Worker, when are we getting married?
November 3rd, 2006 at 6:45 pm
i’m obsessed with you, oh glorious writer of my thoughts.
i’d taste your less delciious sperm any day and love it.
November 3rd, 2006 at 6:59 pm
That, my internet friend, was some of the finest writing you’ve done to date. Destined to become a classic.
Thanks for the hearty belly laugh. Now I’m going to fry a steak!
November 3rd, 2006 at 9:06 pm
You should try having your vegan girlfriend come visit when you’re living in Europe. Two weeks later I started sleeping with Italians and doing lines of prosciutto.
And I refuse to go to moby’s pansy-ass tea house, Teany. You know, Teany as in “I’m a big douche.”
November 3rd, 2006 at 9:37 pm
Vegans and people who don’t own television sets are self-righteous in exactly the same way about their respective lifestyle choices. Just as vegans LOVE to declare their veganism to friends and acquaintances alike, those without televisions take advantage of every opportunity they get to inform you that they don’t have a TV and so have NO IDEA what you’re talking about when you mention how badly Gilmore Girls has been sucking lately.
November 3rd, 2006 at 9:44 pm
AND, perhaps the WORST part: They expect you to congratulate them on their choices! There’s always a little pause while they wait for you to say, “Oh wow, good for you! I wish I could be as highly evolved as you are!”. Fuckers.
November 3rd, 2006 at 11:23 pm
Mark said it once, “Veganism is an eating disorder.”
In less related news, since when does having the limited release ep of “Into the Blue” count as hating moby?
November 4th, 2006 at 5:03 am
if I see a vegan nearby I take pleasure in going out of my way to orgasm while taking a big bite out of my steak.
November 4th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
apropo jason’s comment, i also seem to remember a time once when worker made me a mix tape with vegan-moby’s music. But i suppose he’d explain that away as a youthful indiscretion.
November 4th, 2006 at 3:55 pm
At what point do we need to discuss a certain someone going backstage at an Indigo Girls concert?
November 5th, 2006 at 10:41 am
I read an online vegan discussion about how they can’t even kill insects. Some of them lived with ants and cockroaches because they couldn’t kill them. Another one cried about how she tried to safely take the ants out of her house (as if that would even work) and then accidentally killed a couple of them. She was distraught.
November 5th, 2006 at 8:51 pm
“I’ve gotten prescriptions for anti-depressants before,” she said, “but I never take them. I just don’t want to fuck up my brain chemistry.” Oh, I forgot to mention, she was a heroin addict.”
Between the two, I’d pick heroin.
November 5th, 2006 at 11:46 pm
Use your common sense. Vote Democratic this Tuesday. It’s not even a partisan thing, it’s an American thing. Supreme Court, White House, Senate, House: All “Republican”? Not the American way. Just get the Dems in. It’s a good start.
November 6th, 2006 at 9:51 pm
Love it! Love you! (And yeah, vegans and “I don’t watch television” people are often in the same slice of the Venn diagram.)
And here I always felt guilty and sexist for thinking that a vegan guy wasn’t a real man. To cut so much out of your diet, how the hell can you be in touch with your carnal sensuality? Can someone who cries about bees give a girl the fucking she needs? Hell no!
The worst part is the not shutting up about it. It’d be one thing if they could follow their stupid restrictions, and quietly get the fuck on with it, but it’s chemically impossible for vegans to do that. I blame the malnourishment for that. It’s a hard enough effort (and one that a low percentage make) to eat a balanced diet without all that pansy-ass, luxury-concern circumscription.
That said, I’d still hit the Joaquin Phoenix.
November 9th, 2006 at 3:17 am
It is indesputable that the meat industry’s treatment of animals is cruel. Like any industry, to pursue the greatest yield of profit the resource is often exploited without regard to ethical discussions regarding the future and well being of the resource. (Same with fishing, timber, land use, etc, etc.)
If a vegan wants to exercise the right not to be complicit in the cruel exploitation of animal resources, why does this have to be object of derision? I understand the anthropological argument: to be healthy on a vegetable diet is a challenge. On the other hand, the quality of the meat available at your local food chain is of dubious quality (e.g. the use of hormones, antibiotics, animal feed, etc, etc). Though I myself am not a vegan I wish more people were.
We’re in a state of our world where decisions on where and how you choose to spend your money are political acts. The argument simply can’t be reduced to the simple terms you describe in your rant above. We all have to accept responsibility for our consumer choices. (I take care to make informed choices about the meats I purchase. I can no longer shop for meat at the food chains.)
November 9th, 2006 at 9:35 am
Well put Deiter. I know that I kill all of the people… errrr animals that I eat by hand so I know that they are from a proper source and have undergone “ethical treatment.”
November 11th, 2006 at 2:33 am
I will eat anything that tastes like bacon. Even bacon.
November 12th, 2006 at 9:43 pm
Laughter at the expense of others - not my flavor. My flavor is vegan cum, because it DOES taste better. And vegans get more head because of it. Yum, now that’s funny.
November 14th, 2006 at 11:19 pm
Fuck vegans, especially the ones who postulate that they’re healthier than me, despite the fact that you need the proteins meat provides in your diet. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart, thanks.
December 29th, 2006 at 5:18 am
Wow, its like sickening to see selfish Fucks making superficial attempts to belittle compassionate people. If you close you’re eyes to suffering - you are a Stupid cold hearted bitch. And when you support the meat market you are asking farmers to suck the earths water resources dry, Deforest and Defile the land, and generally contributing to a SHIT COVERED, HEARTLESS world. Animal ag industry is huge waste of energy too. Are you pissed that someone wants to avoid climate change calamity?
January 17th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
hempyprotien is right. And vegan cum does taste better. The end. No questions asked. Vegan cum beats the shit out of eveybody elses. I would pick a guy who had the will power, had the courage, and was man enough to be a vegan over one who makes fun of people he doesn’t even know.
By the way a vegan diet is actually healthier than an omnivorous one so whoever said that is an idiot. “Vagainsim is an eating disorder” and some others. You’re dumb.
February 8th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
OMG how sad are you!! im vegetarian and SO healthy!! it is healthy being vegan. just because we dont eat artery clogging steak dosnt make us unhealthy!! god get a life!!
February 16th, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Jen, go suck a cock. OH WAIT YOU CANT TAKE IN MEAT, SUCKS TO BE YOU!
Oh and by the way, learn how to spell!
“just because we dont eat artery clogging steak dosnt make us unhealthy!” WTF is DOSNT!?!?!?!
I think your lack of fucking meat is messing with your ability to think clearly.
February 19th, 2007 at 8:18 am
Oh dear. Such ignorance.
Take a closer look at the human anatomy. You will find that it is entirely herbivorous in, for lack of a better word, design.
Read about it here:
http://www.geocities.com/RainForest/2062/ana.HTML
December 16th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
Who needs to hunt down some animals if you can find some vegan zealot to get their ass kicked. I don’t really need guns because these vegan zealots are such a sissies I can beat them up while high on pot.
Leave a Reply