Saw IV: Oh Yes, There Will Be Taffy
[Steven blinks open his eyes. He is strapped to a complicated chair in a white tiled room. The light in the room is a sickly green. A scary clown puppet rides a tricycle into the room. It turns its scary head and emits a voice that is clearly being electronically manipulated.]
I suppose you are wondering what you are doing here. I have been watching you, Steven. You go about your day to day business with head hung low, shoulders slumped, just awful posture. Your eyes are glazed with a spoiled weariness, the fatigue of a man who does not realize the gift he has been given. Life, Steven. The true mark of God upon this Earth, and it weighs you down like a burden when it should uplift you like the blessing that it is.
Today is a different kind of day, Steven. Today you are going to realize just how precious what you were once taking for granted truly is. After today, Steven, you will never again squint in the sunlight of a bright new day and curse your broken dreams.
Let’s play a game.
Steven, the straps binding you are made of candy floss. Before you is a door. If you can open that door, which is unlocked, you will find a waterslide. But this waterslide is not a waterslide. It is a chocolateslide. Go down the chocolateslide into the marshmallow pool. Somewhere in the marshmallow pool is Lauren, your high school girlfriend. She has gotten even more attractive over the years, Steven, and she has always held a candle for you. Make love to her, Steven. Afterwards you must find your way to the roof. On the roof is a syringe. I don’t know how that got there. This neighborhood is only just undergoing gentrification and it is true that occasionally we have a homelessness problem. Ignore the syringe, Steven. At the edge of the roof you will find a zip line. Ride the zip line through the air while yelling “wheeeeee!” If you do this, Steven, you will find yourself in a bubble bath filled with champagne surrounded by pizzas. You can drink the champagne, Steven. Eat the pizzas, Steven. When you are drunk and full of pizza, climb from the bubble bath and take a nap on the bed that is not too soft and not too stiff either. When you wake up, if you wake up, which why wouldn’t you, you will be in your own bed, and you will realize that life can be truly surprising and wonderful in ways you never even imagined. You have exactly 32 hours.
February 8th, 2007 at 11:47 am
A chocolate side would make your butt look like you shat yourself. Thank god for a champagne bath.
“neighborhood going through gentrification…” I haven’t stopped laughing.
February 8th, 2007 at 11:48 am
I’m 51 and from Ohio. I don’t know how I got here.
February 8th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Word, Mabel. Kid’s these days…
February 8th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Ain’t this something!
February 8th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
no pancakes? saw my head off.
February 8th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
51 and from Ohio?
I’m guessing you got here by googling ‘chocolate slide’ and ‘pizza’.
February 9th, 2007 at 12:44 am
Sounds like you have some misconceptions about Ohio. Two words….pork rinds.
February 10th, 2007 at 11:23 am
This has a better premise than Saw III.
May 9th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Genius. I, too, have terrible posture. But you guys have to admit, Saw (the first one) was scary. It was the worst two hours of Danny Glover’s career, and what the hell happened to the princess bride, but once you got past the C-movie dialog, there were some scary parts. My friends give me more shit about thinking that movie was scary than for my “gay buckle shoes” that I got on sale at Banana Republic.
February 28th, 2008 at 8:06 am
this is great….omg… i can’t stop lauhging….
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