Liveblogging TMZ’s Coverage of Anna Nicole’s Funeral
6:57 AM: Anna’s body was loaded onto a private jet to take her to the Bahamas. I wonder if they’re going to pour a glass of champagne over the coffin at takeoff.
9:27 AM: Donald Trump called in to the Don Imus show this morning to talk about Howard K. Stern being a “loser.” Who fucking calls into a morning radio show? Shouldn’t he be fucking a pile of money in his private submarine while circling the arctic ocean in search of dragons’ eggs?
9:45 AM: Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead arrive at the funeral service. I’d like to think that today is the last time I’ll have to hear about these two greezeballs but there’s no way I’m going to be that lucky. I’d make “Team Stern” and “Team Birkhead” t-shirts to sell on the internet, but WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THESE CLOWNS? I mean, besides the entire entertainment media machine.
10:22 AM: Slash is at Anna’s funeral. Finally, Anna’s friends and family can find closure on her tragic death as her casket is driven off a cliff, only to crash in flames on the rocks below as Slash stands right at the edge, leather pants, no shirt, heavy, heavy riffs.
10:47 AM: Anna’s Mom tries to stop the funeral. Normally I would want to respect a mother’s wishes, but there’s something unbearable about this woman. Mostly her body.
11:09 AM: Anna’s Hearse Rollin’ on Dubs. Apparently Anna has a tricked out hearse, white with chrome rims. Her casket is draped in pink with marabou and streamers. Finally, a little dignity.
11:10 AM: Anna’s coffin finally gets to church. There is a long red carpet leading up the steps. It’s like a movie premiere, but without all the behind the scenes backstabbing and diva posturing. Um.
11:14 AM: Anna’s mother’s final legal request for a stay has been denied, leaving the service to continue as planned. I understand that we’re talking about a human life here, as well as the powerful emotions of a family struggling with a terrible loss, but can we please get this bitch in the ground? I’ve got shit to do.
1:11 PM: TMZ reports that while outside it is a media circus, inside it is “beautiful.” Readers unfamiliar with TMZ’s idiosyncratic style might be justifiably confused by this assessment, if they don’t know that “beautiful” in TMZ parlance means “like the inside of a silent era burlesque star’s vagina.”
(case in point)
March 2nd, 2007 at 3:46 pm
What the fuck is TMZ, Gabe.
March 2nd, 2007 at 5:17 pm
dude–
you’re a straight guy–how do you know what marabou is?
a fan
March 5th, 2007 at 5:35 am
Oh, my favourite bit was the chorus of boos that greeted Virgie from the cheap seats outside the church. It’s just not a funeral without hecklers.
March 5th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
You really need to start posting more, work’s been pretty freakin boring lately.
March 5th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
1:13 PM I am physically restrained from climbing on the casket screaming “Why! Why! oh..ok”
1:14 PM I go in search of snacks.
March 5th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
jenn you should go to gawker today and read the unethicist - he wrote that.
March 6th, 2007 at 8:38 am
Thanks Trevor I didn’t know he wrote for anything else, he’s even funnier there than he is here…but I guess that’s porlly cause he gets paid for it.
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