Comment Party
I got a call from Mom #3116 last night because a letter had arrived for me at the #3116 homestead from a law firm in Somefuck, NY, informing me that I owed $5,000 and they were going to collect $5,000.
I do not owe $5,000.
IDENTITY THEFT!
Don’t my identity thieves know that I have an online diary that is read by nearly one and a half DOZEN people? Seriously, though, what a lame identity to steal. If they get to use my good name to squeeze some poor creditor of $5,000, they should at least be saddled with the crippling self doubt and unmanageable hair (nullus).
And do you want to know what the worst part is? Now all you clowns are going to tell me your boring identity theft stories, which I obviously do not care about.
How about this, in order to cut you off at the pass, this will be a COMMENT PARTY, except that, instead of telling me about your identity theft stories, because seriously, you are boring, your comment should describe what you would do if you stole MY identity.
I’ve made a huge mistake.
March 6th, 2007 at 10:32 am
masturbate furiously
March 6th, 2007 at 10:42 am
If I were to steal your identity I would buy thousands of dollars of tupperware and then just send it to you cause what the fuck am I gonna do with all that tupperware?
March 6th, 2007 at 11:08 am
haha, some party
March 6th, 2007 at 11:20 am
slit my wrists?
March 6th, 2007 at 11:32 am
wait, can i change my answer to the tupperware thing?
March 6th, 2007 at 11:51 am
buy metamirrorsucks.com
March 6th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
i would start a really good blog
March 6th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
How about taking as much cash out as possible and use it to bribe someone to deliver a cleverly crafted love note from you to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Hmm, or buying something REALLY nice from Cartier and, engraving with a message from “you” of course, and sending it to Paris Hilton.
March 6th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I would spend a great deal of time trying ot convince people I wasn’t gay … i guess I would do what you do.
Then I would change that fucking security code
March 6th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Replace all the gawker commenters with nobody
March 6th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
I would sell your phone number and home address on ebay.
March 6th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
play some d&d with YOUR character
March 6th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Make Mary the happiest Mouse alive.
March 6th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
I’d set up a nerve.com personal ad and try to date Eric Schaeffer.
March 6th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Get you up and running on FaceBook.com
March 6th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I love being famous for having a, what was it, “retarded blog crush”? Also, ditto what sheistolerable said.
March 6th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
ask Randy Cohen if stealing your identity to pay for a loved ones medical bills is an ethical decision, making sure to sign with real name.
March 6th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
i would earnestly take the advice, which i’m sure you have no doubt been related many times, and fuck myself.
March 6th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
Buy crack, and a handy designer carrying case for said crack.
March 6th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Which identity are we invited to steal? Worker #3116, Gabriel Delahaye, or Miss T. Ize, your drag persona?
Oops!
P.S., rob has the best one so far.
P.P.S. — let’s make up more drag names for Gabe! haw haw
March 6th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Are you still boring if you do drugs? Smoke pot? In any case, I would have big internalization analysis time, realize I have issues, go to therapy, realize therapy wouldn’t help that much, convert to a really hippie version of Christianity and then relax and enjoy myself, knowing that everything I do doesn’t matter as much as it used to because earth isn’t the final destination and all the little ants marching are wasting their time.
Or I’d just get pissed about identity theft and keep being bitter. Either way.
March 6th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
drag name: Tara Hymen
Hymen is jewish right?
March 7th, 2007 at 11:20 am
How come there’s never sex at these comment parties?
…
March 8th, 2007 at 10:42 am
I’d pay off my student loans in order to leave a paper trail, withdraw money from an ATM with a surveillance camera, and then buy the whole color range of Converse sneakers.
March 8th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
I’m not sure of the specifics yet, but it definitely involves Muscle Milk.
March 9th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Hedra Sexual
March 16th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
once my identity was stolen. It was weird, it all started when they had me take this eye exam, what I didn’t know at the time was the machine they used actually extracted some of my dna. They used it to create a clone of me, you see. My clone didn’t know it was a clone though because of advanced cloning technology and sciences you could never comprehend. So he stole my family and job and probably in the end we came to some sort of understanding. That kind of stuff usually happens at the end.
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