Hate This Fridays!
What? Worker, I thought you had stopped doing Hate This Fridays! I don’t understand.
Well grow up, assholes. Don’t you get it, yet? I DO WHAT I WANT.
I hate these roller shoes that every kid is wearing them. Have you seen these roller shoes? Basically, think of those LA Gear light-up shoes from the mid-90s, except instead of lights think roller blades, and instead of LA Gear think British Knights, and instead of the mid-90s think about right fucking now. I didn’t think I was into killing children, but now it turns out I’m a little into killing children.
These are basically an Inspector Gadget invention made real. But the thing about Inspector Gadget is HIS INVENTIONS ARE ASSHOLES. No one wants them. The viewer hates Inspector Gadget. Penny (and sometimes Brain, if you’re some hipster trying to be clever) is the stand-in for the viewer, sharing his/her disdain for the frustrations of having an over-exuberant mental retard as a legal guardian. When I see these children sliding down the street for five feet, I want to Go Go Gadget Fists through their face.
I do kind of like when the kids in the roller shoes have parents who make them wear helmets while they are on their roller shoes. Why, mom? Your kid is already retarded, what’s another major head injury? But also I like when this happens because I know that it makes roller shoes the least fun/least cool thing in the world for those kids, and that is something I respect, miserable children.
I want the young people of the world to enjoy themselves and have fun and use their imaginations and WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT CHILDREN DO SINCE THEY DON’T HAVE TO WORK IN MINES ANYMORE. But seriously, parents, please learn the word “no.” It is going to save everyone in the post-apocalypse a lot of trouble if we get even the smallest bit of help right now so we don’t have to re-educate them on what is important (food, bullets).
May 11th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
I once was at a store in the suburbs that had a big sign that said “NO HEELYS” and then underneath a silhouette of a Heely with a red circle and slash over it.
I was mostly impressed because it was a real, purchased printed-up metal sign, and that someone clearly thought Heelys would be such a non-expiring problem in perpetuity, like shirtlessness, dogs, and shoelessness, and that we needed signs that could go the distance
May 11th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Last week I saw a grown man wearing these shoes (Somebody Please Kill This Guy?). I guess they’re not just for kids any more.
May 11th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
The shoes. They’re called ‘Wheelies,’ Lover #3116. My nephews* wear them. I don’t hate the Wheelies, and all that, but they can be [and are] abused by Obnoxious Kids in the Supermarket or Wherever, etc.
I was a camp counselor a few years in a row. I BANNED Wheelies. But then I wondered: How is this so much different than when they banned by beloved snap bracelets and Trapper Keepers, when I was 7, in second grade. My only answer: I am 23 and already old.
Salud!
* My nephews rock, and while they fool around with the Wheelies now and then, they do not qualify, remotely, as Obnoxious Kids in the Supermarket or Wherever.
May 11th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Oh my god.
1. Welcome to like six years ago. Seriously, I think the NY Times Styles section reported on Heelys in 2004, back when people were still riding “fixies.”
2. You are wrong. Light-up LA Gears have no practical value, they are just distracting. (Well, I guess they make you more visible to drivers when walking at night.) In any case, Heelys are extremely useful and efficient and I wish there was an easy way to convert any pair of shoes to them because their styling is too wack even for me.
May 11th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
One day I saw a kid in the mall doing “inline” skating tricks off the Californian stairs of Hollister with those fucking shoes. It was the worst day of my life.
May 11th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Light-up LA Gears make it easier for cops to shoot [insert minority] children at night.
May 11th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
remember the old la gear commercials? i remember the jingle and everything. better times they were.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
LA gears had like effing three sets of shoelaces that you had to braid all intricately. I begged my mom for some, she broke down and got them, and I never wore them, simply because we had no idea how to braid the three sets of effing laces all intricately.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
yeah but
http://fauvecreations.com/pix/murgallery1/lagear.gif
May 11th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
Yea, they’re awesome and all. But try to lace up the girl pair, with pink, purple, and heather grey laces that need precise arrangement. You might just hate the second grade after that.
May 11th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
Kareem was always a herb anyway.
May 14th, 2007 at 9:10 am
they’re called heelys and i own them.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Heelys
May 14th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Worker #3116, I think you’re underestimating the effect that Heelys have had on the burgeoning sport of freestyle walking. Method air!
May 14th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Everytime I see a kid with these, I hope he falls on his face.
June 1st, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Great post about heelys and great comments too… This is the best blog post I’ve come across in ages!
At any rate, the issue with Heelys is that they were designed & marketed to be worn at the grocery store & school. I mean come on. That’s what makes them seem cool to the kids.
That’s exactly the problem as well, of course.
I think stores ought to ban them everywhere, and then if a kid gets caught wearing them in an area where they’re banned, I think they should forever ban the kid from ever wearing them again, and fine the living crap out of the parents. HAHA.
July 10th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Heelys is recruiting kids to test their new line of products. The kids
need to know how to “heel”, be willing to use the product a large
amount of time and report their feedback on a feedback form that
Heelys provides. The feedback will need to be as detailed as possible.
They will have deadlines to meet with the forms and return of product.
It is no cost to the parents, we pay for all shipping. Please let me
know of anyone who may be interested. traceylhester@yahoo.com
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