Somebody Please Kill This Guy [Insert Guy to Kill]
This is an occasional feature called Somebody Please Kill This Guy [Insert Guy to Kill] where I see a guy I want you to kill and I tell you about him.
The overweight balding middle-aged man with a thick moustache wearing his t-shirt tucked into his baggy Mervyn’s jeans, and his cell phone on a belt clip, who while waiting on the subway platform this morning reached for something in his back pocket only to have A CONDOM fall out.
Kill that guy.
June 27th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
you know gabe, there’s a thin line between love and hate… i’m just sayin’
June 27th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
That’s the difference between you and me. I would be elated that he is not reproducing.
Then again America does need more mustachioed, overweight, Mervyn’s jeans wearing men on our subway platforms. It’s like our official mascot.
I suspect you of being many things but I never thought you were SO un-American!
I refuse to believe that. Maybe, you are simply jealous that he might be having sex?
Chicks dig mustaches.
June 27th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
I will attempt to participate in the humor:
I nominate the guy who ate a Swanson Hungry-Man Fish and (cheese sauce coated) Chips microwave dinner (”OVER 1 LB OF FOOD!”) in the conference room while I tried to run a meeting. Who lacks the dignity to eat something like that in public, much less an enclosed space? That guy. Kill that guy.
(The fact that he is an Asian man with a beard and a motorized wheelchair plays no factor in my desire to kill him, unlike Mr. #3116, whose motivation to kill people seems based more on class and age than on behavior.)
June 27th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
i kinda like this image. i would feel good for the guy. maybe you should have asked him for some tips. DING DONGUS
June 27th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Balls: “Asian”, “bearded,” and “wheelchair-bound ” are not indicators of class or age. That you mentioned these three things is baffling.
Decrying someone for publicly eating a microwave dinner–something that does trend towards the proletariat–and saying it “lacks dignity,” however, smacks of classism.
But whatever–I can’t wait to read your Gabrielism parody site. Link us to it once it’s up and running.
June 27th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I will. And you too.
Gawk!
June 27th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Ugh.
Death threats are only cool when the person threatening to kill you doesn’t use the threat as a publicity tool for linking to their blog which is mostly boring incomprehensible rants and links to their MySpace page.
It’s probably better if you just kill yourself.
June 27th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Sounds like my dad, except with a joint and in some small town where no one would make fun of him. They’d just be jealous (the joint, the getting laid, the comfy pants)
June 27th, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Unless he’s a would-be rapist who’s watched a lot of CSI, I applaud his optimism. Never know who you’re gonna meet, right?
June 27th, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Lena’s comment combined with the fact that you are now receiving death threats reminds me of that scene in “Talk Radio” when, shortly after receiving the dead rat in a box from the man who will eventually kill him, Barry Champlain goes to a basketball game (or possibly football, my memory fails me). There he meets a number of his fans, all of whom are clearly rubes and idiots, and is eventually booed out of the arena.
June 27th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Haha. So true on the incomprehensibel rants front. Maybe it’s a joke? That’s my default answer when I read something that bizarre. Believing that someone wrote that shit in earnest threatens my sanity.
June 27th, 2007 at 10:06 pm
Ball’s job sounds pretty tits, what with all the meetings and hungry asians and time to reference and develop references for obscure Oliver Stone movie characters…but I ask you, is his job a little TOO tits. It’s the kind of job one would find for a fictional antagonist with a peevish tone but a heart of solid gold. Me thinks me’s stumbled upon a Balls McCoy’s Tony Clifton to a Worker#3116’s Andy Kaufman.
June 28th, 2007 at 9:06 am
Fair enough–I’m ranty. And I don’t get the reference. But fictional character or not, I’m glad to see Balls here, on a site he hates, all day AND all night.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:09 am
A) What death threat? I don’t see it. Did you delete it?
2) It seems like you have lots of funny new commenters, Gabes. Must be lots of new people getting computers this summer. I guess you don’t need me anymore. My work here is done.
June 28th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Aidsy Aidsy AIDSFACE!
June 28th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
that guy in the office next to mine, the accountant who has talked to me about COMING TO JESUS with his fucking CONAN THE BARBARIAN FOUR BIT CELL PHONE RINGTONE
kill THAT guy
June 29th, 2007 at 10:36 am
What I really want to know is if he picked it up off the nasty ground and put it back in his pocket. Ugh.
July 9th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Only if you kill the fat chick that chewed gum with her mouth open sitting next to me on the A train last Thursday.
Yes lawd, I do indeed love the concept of this post
ahahahahhahaha!
July 19th, 2007 at 6:56 am
wtf ur all fkn retards
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