So I just watched the trailer for the new Matthew Damon is somehow an action movie Bourne Ultimatum: The Edge of Reason, and you would think that at this point he would either be rehired by the CIA and working on a covert operation fighting cyber-terrorists in Malaysia, or would have quietly retired to open his dream coffee shop in Southern California called “Bean There, Done That,” but instead it is actually the exact same movie as the other two movies, which is best summed up in the tagline “The call is still coming from inside the building.”

Anyhow, I will see this movie, because they always have good fight scenes, and because I love anything that is reminiscent of Sneakers, but I’ve also taken the liberty of writing a scene from the fourth movie, coming out in the summer of 2009, called The Bourne Accellerultimidentitumulation.

SPECIAL AGENT DAVE
His name is Jason Bourne. He is one of us. We trained him, and now he is so mad. We can’t seem to kill him.

The phone rings.

SPECIAL AGENT DAVE
I WANT A TRACE ON THIS CALL. WHERE IS THIS GUY FIND THIS GUY.

Special Agent Dave picks up the phone.

JASON BOURNE (V.O.)
I am angry about what you did to me, but I also have amnesia, but I am an awesome fighter, and I want to put a stop to this, and I am looking at you through a pair of binoculars.

SPECIAL AGENT DAVE
You’re running out of time.

JASON BOURNE (V.O.)
Time is a human invention. It can be uninvented.

SPECIAL AGENT DAVE
Bourne, this has to end. You don’t–

Someone has entered the room.

NEW SPECIAL AGENT (V.O.)
Let me talk to him.

The camera pans to the New Special Agent. It is Special Agent Rihanna, a tough as brass Agent who does not play by the rules. Special Agent Dave hands Special Agent Rihanna the phone and steps back in awe.

SPECIAL AGENT RIHANNA
Jason, ason, ason, ason, it’s Special Agent Rihanna, anna, anna, anna.

JASON BOURNE
You’ll never catch me! I will never stop staring at you through the sites of rifles on rooftops right across the street from you and having car chases where you think I am dead but I am not dead and I am still trying to figure out which of my hundred passports is the real passport and I would like to think that if I was a Marvel superhero I would be Wolverine.

SPECIAL AGENT RIHANNA
You wish you were Wolverine, erine, erine, erine. But you’re just a fool, ool, ool, ool.

RANDOM AGENT 1
We’ve got a trace on him. He is calling from right behind me.

All the agents turn to see Jason Bourne standing directly behind Random Agent 1. A bus passes between them, and Jason Bourne has disappeared again, into Eastern Europe.

END SCENE