Keeping Score
Let’s just go through one by one, scientifically:
1. Jennifer Aniston
Pros: She is rich.
Cons: Her career is over because she’ll never be able to get out from under the weight of “Rachel” (or the weight of “Vince Vaughan,” DING DONG). She seems like a waitress. You’d basically be marrying a cocktail waitress with a lot of money. She seems like an asshole. Her body is too rope-y. She is like a bundle of ropes tied together with a tank top. She got dumped for Angelina Jolie and while you feel bad for her like, aw, that sucks, you also feel like, well, yeah, Angelina Jolie is way hotter even if she would probably cut your penis off and keep it in a glass test tube strapped to the inside of her left thigh with the tendons of a lion she killed using her teeth on the set of Tomb Raider: Curse of the Jade Scorpion.
2. Cameron Diaz
Pros: None.
Cons: She looks like the Joker. She’s 1,000 years old. She has worse skin than a teenager, and teenagers have horrible skin. She is probably one of those girls who plays sports too hard, like you’d just want to have a fun game of touch football in the park and she’d get all agro on you and fucking break your fucking teeth out and then laugh. And that laugh. Her laugh makes me want to curl up into a ball and put that ball into a cannon and shoot that ball into a plate glass window, and take the now shredded ball (that is my body) and drop it in the ocean, and freeze the ocean over with Ice-9. You would have to follow up Justin Timberlake who is universally considered to be hot and talented, and also he is rich. Oh, and he’s young. Also, when you came in Cameron Diaz’s hair it wouldn’t be sexy at all, it wouldn’t even explore the power dynamics of selfish male sexual aggression. It would just be a lame Farrelly Brothers rip-off, who might as well be called the Fart and Retard Brothers.
3. Jessica Simpson
Pros: Does Anal.
Cons: She is Jessica Simpson.
I HAVE STUMPED SCIENCE.
July 18th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
What’s your source on the Simpson anal indulgence? And isn’t it a Pro that she is Jessica Simpson - unless you’re looking for a wife for mental stimulation instead of just for anal sex. If so, CON to you.
July 18th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
1. Jessica Simpson - con b/c at the wrong (i.e., most) angles, she looks like a tranny. A fuckable tranny, but a tranny nonetheless.
2. The last time a woman went “agro” on me I woke up to find a soy crop in my backyard! HAHAHA… that was funny b/c i don’t even have a backyard!!
July 18th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
wow. laser-beam accuracy on cami diaz, for real.
July 18th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
i’ve never met any of these people! how the heck do i know?
July 18th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Cami Diaz? Seriously?
July 18th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
@powey
the unfortanate maid staff found the shit covered sheets
July 18th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
isn’t that martha stewart in the picture
July 20th, 2007 at 3:59 am
Yeah but Papa Simpson is the one who fucks her in the ass so…
July 20th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
‘A fuckable tranny’?
Enjoy filling out the gay wedding registry at Pottery Barn, fruity.
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:09 pm
I just snorted my wine from trying to read your site and drink at the same time. hazardous. you should have a warning label on a jump page or something.
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