He’s battled the worst that Middle-earth has to offer, so why not let him take on some post-apocalyptic cannibals? I chatted with Aragorn himself, Mr. Viggo Mortensen, earlier today about his latest collaboration with David Cronenberg, “Eastern Promises,” and he divulged which high-profile flick he’s close to signing on for.

“There’s a book called ‘The Road’ by Cormac McCarthy. They’re going to make a movie of that and the people making [it] have expressed interest [in me]. Visually, it’s going to be a very beautiful movie. It’s a very good story,” Mortensen said. Of course he’s underplaying the book slightly. “The Road” won the Pulitzer and was a favorite of none other than Oprah Winfrey last year.

Mortensen revealed he would play the father in the film, describing the story thusly: “It’s mainly about a father and a boy. It’s a post-apocalyptic scenario, a wasteland that they’re trying to get through and not be killed by the few remaining packs of marauding humans. They’re trying to get to the coast and find someplace safe and find people who are not crazy criminals or cannibals.”

When I jokingly told him it sounded like another beautiful family film, the star of “A Histoy of Violence” laughed and said, “Yeah. Disney is making that one.”
(MTV via NY Vulture)

HAHAHHAHAHHAHA GOOD ONE VIGGO MORTNGERSTERN. OK, few things on this:

1. He’s battled the worst that Middle-earth has to offer, so why not let him take on some post-apocalyptic cannibals? I know the question is posed hypothetically, and you’re generally not supposed to answer hypothetical questions, but is the answer: you are the worst writer ever?

2. “It’s a very good story,” Mortensen said. Mortengerstein, open a book once in awhile. Because it’s not a good story. It’s a sad and scary rumination on survival and the human condition against all odds, but as a story, it’s got less meat on it than the legs of those people in that one root cellar (ding dong, that part is in my freezer. Joey joke. Friends. Relevant.)

3. Of course he’s underplaying the book slightly. “The Road” won the Pulitzer and was a favorite of none other than Oprah Winfrey last year. Ah, I see. No, that’s a really good point. He should have said “It’s a very good story, which I know because it won the Pultizer and was a favorite of a little lady I like to call OPRAH WINFREY. That is how you judge the quality of writing. Always.” You guys are both retarded. You deserve each other. When I am in my own personal hell it will just be me sitting in a coffee shop at a booth, unable to scream while the two of you conduct your inane interview over decaf.

4. Mortensen revealed he would play the father in the film. There are three people in the whole book, and one of them is an emaciated child. So obviously the rumors have been rampant about just who Mortenesent would play. In the event that his contract has been fully drawn up, might I suggest dessicated-corpse-by-the-side-of-the-road-#12?

5. “They’re trying to get to the coast and find someplace safe and find people who are not crazy criminals or cannibals.” As unimaginable and horrific as the roving bands of cannibalistic scavengers in the book may seem to us in a civilized, un-nuclear-wintered world, I thin it’s unfair to categorize them as “crazy.” None of us can know what we would be capable of if the whole world was reduced to so much ash. I could probably eat a single-parent household.

6. When I jokingly told him it sounded like another beautiful family film, the star of “A Histoy of Violence” laughed and said, “Yeah. Disney is making that one.” STOP DRINKING THAT DECAFFEINATED COFFEE! WHY CAN’T ANYONE HEAR ME?! THIS INTERVIEW IS TORTURE! WAITRESS! Oh, right. I am in hell. Also: I haven’t read a “sounds like another beautiful family film” caliber joke since the Gene Tierney cover story of Movie Stars Parade magazine, November 1945.