Shoulder Cancer
I went to the shoulder doctor yesterday to get my shoulder cancer looked at. He prescribed me an anti-inflammatory medication. I know that joking about side effects of medicine is so old and worn out that even MadTV has started doing it, but looking over the description of the medicine’s effects, I was concerned by three notices:
1. “WARNING: THE RISK OF SERIOUS AND SOMETIMES FATAL STOMACH AND BOWEL SYNDROMES.” Jesus Christ. Serious stomach and bowel problems fine. I get anxious diarrhea on an almost daily basis, I’m sure I can weather most storms. But FATAL? I don’t even know what a fatal stomach and bowel syndrome is. Like you shit your heart out of your butt? Or, like, a stroke, where you get so backed up that it cuts off oxygen to your brain? Fuuuuuck. Also, gross.
2. “DO NOT lie down for 30 minutes after taking this medicine.” That’s all it says about that. There isn’t an additional clause, like, because this medicine causes you to dream of your own death and as everyone knows, if you die in a dream you die in real life. They should really have an additional clause, because what if I lay down by accident?
3. “THIS MEDICINE MAY CAUSE increased sensitivity to the sun.” OK, now they are just fucking with me because WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Is it just a ‘hey, careful on the beach, you guys, SPF that shit’ mild warning, or is it a more important message, like ‘if you are the children from The Others, do not take this medicine or you will disappear.’
Do not injure your ghost shoulders doing a fist-planted triangle escape, children. The treatment will kill you. Just like I killed you. Spoilers, children.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:06 pm
my favorite is when it says “if you are taking this, your doctor has weighed the pros and cons and decided that despite the horrible discomfort and possible death you will experience taking this medication, you will suck it up and take it anyway.”
also that sun sensitivity is for real. your skin starts peeling like crazy the instant you go in the sun. LONG SLEEVES AND PARASOLS FOR YOU, SIR
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