Arcade Fire, wsg The Saddest Retard
This is great, and don’t worry about how/why I found it. Don’t even worry about that part. Nullus on my whole existence, obviously:
DEAR ABBY: After an unhappy, sexless 12-year marriage, I divorced my husband. Six months later I met a handsome, divorced dermatologist on the Internet. We were immediately attracted to each other and, six weeks later, he invited me to move in with him, which I did.
Last week after I picked up our clothes at the dry cleaner and checked them as I loaded them into the car, I came across an expensive black lace bra, size 36DD. (I am a small B.) I became very upset — I tend to be the jealous type — and threw it out the sunroof of my car onto the freeway on my way home.
When my boyfriend got home from his medical meeting that night, I confronted him. He told me it had to have been mistakenly added to our order, and asked me what I had done with it. When I said I had thrown it out, he became irate and ordered me to look for it.
The next day, his friend (a lawyer) called me and told me the bra was evidence in a sexual assault case. He said it had DNA on it and he needed it for court. He said I should go back to the freeway and look for it. I did, but could not locate it.
I feel guilty for losing my temper and for possibly causing the lawyer to lose this important case. My boyfriend is still mad at me. How can I make this right?
(uexpress.com)
God. It’s just genius.
1. Which part of “12-year sexless marriage” is relevant to the rest of the question?
2. I love when people get jealous and throw stuff out of sun roofs.
3. Remind me again of how DNA evidence from sexual assault cases ends up in a dermatologist’s laundry?
4. The advice obviously is to kill yourself because you’re the saddest retard (band name, 2 years, count it down Pitchfork.)
This would make a great episode of Mad About You, though. Right guys? Mad About You? 2007? Still doing this? Murder me with a razor blade embedded in a potato? (Just kidding, you can’t, I know great defenses for that particular weapon.)
October 10th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
sorry, i got high and wrote a short story that didn’t make any sense. when i woke up i’m like “shit, that’s awful” so i just sent it to abby to see if she could use it (she did).
October 10th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
regarding number 3, i love the part where the lawyers had to discuss how one lawyer was going to cover up the affair with the DD secretary by telling the lady that the washed bra was crime evidence. and not only that, but they made her go walk around in the middle of the freeway after they shamed her? what is this? that movie with the deaf girl and the business dudes?
best post since katamari bergman.
October 10th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Yeah, this is totally inspired by “In the Company of Men.” Dear Abby’s terse, throwaway response (like, “Yawn, dump him, I guess. Next question!”) seems to acknowledge that this woman is beyond help.
Then come’s Gabe’s stock Unethicist answer: Kill yourself.
So, she should dump him then kill herself.
October 10th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
First step when presenting DNA evidence in court: get all undergarments cleaned and pressed.
October 10th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
By your friend who is a dermatologist.
October 10th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
I hope those grubby dudes at the dry cleaner jerked off all their own DNA into that big ole bra. No offense to grubby dry cleaners. Or big ole bras.
October 18th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
I’m a DNAtician and a lawyer and I know for a fact that dry cleaning actually helps percolate the mitochondria but you can’t send it under your name or it will be seen as tampering with evidence habeus corpus mens rea and such.
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