FAQ About Last Night
Are your grandparents in town?
Yes.
Did you go to their hotel?
Yes.
When you entered the hotel were you behind two gentlemen?
Yes.
Did you notice that one of the two gentleman was dressed the way a “cool” person would be dressed by a professional stylist on the now-defunct MTV show Dead at 21?
Yes.
Were his tips frosted?
Yes.
Did he have on a graphic tee?
Yes.
How about a silly hat?
Yes.
Did this idiot make you look at the other gentleman, to see what he was all about?
Yes.
Was the other gentleman wearing a velour blazer?
Yes.
Did the velour blazer, and its inherent retardedness, draw your attention?
Yes.
Did that make you strain to see the face of the man wearing the retarded velour blazer?
Yes.
Was it Cuba Gooding Jr.?
Yes.
Not fifteen minutes later, did you hear someone in the bar area yelling in order to draw all the attention to himself?
Yes.
Was he yelling “I LOVE THIS PLACE! IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SPECIAL!”?
Yes.
Was it the “cool” man who you saw enter with Cuba Gooding Jr.?
Yes.
Was Cuba Gooding Jr. still with him?
Yes.
Were they leaving, either by force or by their own volition but in any case you couldn’t tell?
Yes.
Was Cuba Gooding Jr. laughing knowingly?
Yes.
Did you think that the adult clown kind of made a valid point about how such a stuffy, over-priced, white male patriarchal enclave desperately reeks of privelege and self-satisfaction?
Yes.
But then, at the same time, did you think that this same point about the status-desperation of the place was kind of rendered moot by the fact that the anarchic troublemaker offering said point was Cuba Fucking Gooding Fucking Jr.’s Entourage dressed like a 15-year-old girl?
YES.
Is that hilarious?
Yes.
October 19th, 2007 at 11:37 am
At first I thought you wrote that the two gentlemen were in your grandparents’ room. The longer I kept reading the more I thought I picked up a serious drug habit while in class this morning.
October 19th, 2007 at 11:50 am
“Jerry Maguire! Je-rr-y Ma-GUI-RE! …Show me the modes of patriarchal normative structures!”
October 19th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
these are all valid points as to why Cuba Gooding Jr. is a relevant celebrity personality
October 19th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
Dead at 21. Nice.
Also, funny hat = AIDS?
October 21st, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Either they don’t know, don’t show, or don’t give a fuck about patriarchal normative structures.
October 27th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
this reminds me of a story garrison keillor once told in a class i once took about comedic writing. (there’s totally a joke in there about how garrison keillor isn’t all that funny lots of the time.)
garrison is at a benefit or party in new york. he walks into a bathroom to find carl bernstein standing at the urinal trying and failing to pee due to his old man issues. as carl is trying desperately to relieve the strain his bladder is under, the african-american bathroom attendant is loudly berating him for causing the early end of the presidency of nixon, who was talented in the area of foreign policy according to the bathroom attendant.
wherein carl bernstein represents the white, wealthy patriarchy (now with xtra irony! due to the fact that in the ’70s carl was a nobody who brought down the epitome of the white, wealthy patriarchy), and wherein the white, wealthy patriarchy cannot escape the complaints of the racial, social Other and also his prostate.
July 10th, 2008 at 8:55 am
homeowner insurance policy fee…
presupposing?Victorianize burrower …
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