Last night’s The Hills? Anybody?

I’m not interested in the part where Audrina wanted to call Justin Bobby and invite him to the set of the Jimmy Kimmel show where she was busy working. Although it was awesome. Here is an imagined conversation between Jimmy Kimmel and Justin Bobby:

Jimmy Kimmel: What are you doing on my set?
Justin Bobby: Let’s just be ourselves.

I also don’t think I need to go into any of the specifics of how creepy it was when Spencer didn’t so much sheepishly admit to reading Heidi’s instant message transcripts, as boldly use it as a means for aggressively attacking her while giving the patented “Pratt’s Glare of Uncontrolled Narcissism.” And LC’s dramatic delivery of “I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you,” (which by the way, what happened, did someone give her a copy of Syd Field’s Writing for Daytime Television or something?) left nothing to be desired, except for a finalization to this turgid Lauren/Heidi feud, which, OK, wait, I’m rambling but shut up, I’m in charge, the point is seriously, how has Heidi not killed herself at this point? I’m pretty sure when she goes into Starbucks for a strawberry latte the barista is like “Oh, aren’t you that girl who should just kill herself?”

No, what I love and what we are here for, is Spencer and Heidi’s coffee table.

Yoops, the candle store was going out of business. Spencer on a MacBook? If that’s thinking different, I’m switching to Dell. God, just looking at him makes me want to wash the product out of my frosted tipped hair. Meanwhile, can’t get enough of the video games in the background that I think he probably played one time before getting bored and going into his racecar bed and masturbating to Brody Jenner on a windsurfing board. BUT THE COFFEE TABLE. What is that weird object sent from space?

At first I thought maybe:

But that doesn’t account for what look like little black and white cameo pictures at the bottom of the book cover on the show (the simple fact of the book itself doesn’t account for the fact that together, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt share one brain, and that brain is constructed primarily out of teeth whitener.) Incidentally, Master of the Senate? Have you read it? If you haven’t read it, you should buy two tickets to you’re an asshole. That book is so good. Top five of all books. The Bible didn’t even make the cut. It goes East of Eden, Master of the Senate, The Count of Monte Cristo, and Bridge Jones Diary 2: Fat Time. That’s only four books. Who cares. I’m not your goodreads.com friend. But don’t read it until you’ve finished The Path to Power and Means of Ascent. And if you think I’m joking, google “tub girl” and photoshop your face onto the results. It’s 2003, and you just got whatever the word for “pwned” was in 2003. Probably PUNK’D.

I watch The Hills online, so I can’t get a high enough res (that’s industry talk for shut up) look at that book. WHAT IS IT? IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY?

Here are my Top 3 guesses for what that book is:

1. Pocket Guide to Flavored Vodkas
2. Control Her Vagina Using Her Fears
3. Beowulf: The Novelization