Friday evening, I suffered one of the most horrible humiliations of my life when in a fit of desperation driven by raw need, I tried to buy a Nintendo Wii at a Game Stop in downtown Brooklyn. Look, we all go through things in life, many doorways of experience, and some of those doorways are staircases to desire. What? Hi. Something broke in my brain about two weeks ago, and I know this because I started watching ads for video games on YouTube. Surprise, I’m almost 30 years old. I had not played video games in a couple years, but suddenly this illness was upon me, like bird flu on a bunch of Indian children in a chicken pen. Luckily, I remembered that I did not get a birthday present this year, so I cashed in my birthday points and told Mom #3116 that she was buying me a Wii, to which she said “OK, what is it? It looks like a bracelet.” Correct, mother, the funnest bracelet of all times.

Kill me.

Anyhow, after work on Friday I decided to end my life by going to Best Buy and buying a Nintendo Wii, but when I got upstairs to the self-hate/video games section, there were stacks and piles of X-Boxes and Playstations, but no Wiis. I asked a proud Best Buy worker in a sharp, pressed Best Buy polo whether or not they had any and he just snorted. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “Ha ha. No. No, of course not. NO.” FUCK YOU GUY. I decided to go home and drop off my bag before heading out for a busy Friday night social schedule that included talking to other people and having human friends and everything, but first I made the miserable decision to try once more for my precious prize at a Game Stop in downtown Brooklyn. Here we go:

Going into the Game Stop in downtown Brooklyn can only be compared to going into a dark alley for an illegal abortion, and I am sorry for so many weird abortion jokes today, I don’t know what that’s all about, but I would say that in my defense this is not actually a joke. This store is small, dirty, and criminal. I immediately regretted my decision to even go inside, and was seriously considering washing my hands of the whole Wii situation and thanking myself later. But I continued on by going up to a sad-looking 19-year-old with a pudgy, feminine body and an untucked UNPRESSED Game Stop polo. “Do you have any Wiis?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. Then we were just looking at each other. OK. Then I had to get IN LINE? Because at 6:45 on a Friday, everyone goes to the Game Stop in downtown Brooklyn and kills themselves. The man at the front of the line was talking earnestly to the gawky nerd behind the counter, and this is when I realized that I was willfully (wiifully? Hate me.) entering into a dangerous world that I did not want any part of. Here is a snippet of their conversation:

Man: Have you played “Murder Town Fight Force” yet?
Nerd: I am about two hours in, and I’m loving it.
Man: How about “Fight Rape City”?
Nerd: Too short. Not worth the price of admission. (he really said that.)
Man: Did you try the “Medal of Honor” multi-player?
Nerd: You know, a lot of people are saying that MoH multi-player is the “be all end all of multiplayers,” but I’m not impressed. I’d rather just play Halo. People take it wayyyyyy too seriously.

I have a game, it is called here is a double barreled shotgun customized to fit in two mouths (nullus), put it in your mouths (nullus).

When I finally got up to the counter, my hands were clammy and I no longer even wanted a Wii but I was stubborn. I spoke in a whisper. “Do you have Wiis?” I hissed, not wanting to be seen by any other human being, such was my shame. “What?” the nerd asked. “Wiis? Do you have Nintendo Wiis?” The nerd shook his head, almost angry. “No way.” At this point I was actually mad because this Game Stop’s very existence is an insult to my humanity, but standing in line actually shattered some part of me that will never be fixed. “Well that guy said that you did,” I told this nerd. “What guy?” I pointed. “That guy, the feminine chubby one with the zits and the brain damage.” The nerd looked. “Hey, James!” he shouted. James turned, his eyes watery from the struggle to understand spoken language. “Dude, we ran through those Wiis in, like, ten minutes, man.” James just shrugged. The nerd turned back to me. “Sorry man, just come back in like a week.”

HAHAHAHA.

Oh, nerd. If I come back to this place in a week it will be to seal you inside and burn the whole place to the ground. Trust me.

The End?

LIINK: After II got my Wii (another great story you would love, II’m sure), II helped conviince New York comediian Joe Mande to biite the bullet and buy a Wii. He diied, also. We are dead. Bii.