Nose Cancer
Speaking of bodies that are wonderlands, last night I was walking down the street when I felt a bloody nose coming on. It’s the dry season, so between that and ALL THAT COCAINE I LOVE TO PARTY, I was not particularly concerned. Besides, I had a couple napkins in my back pocket. I used the first napkin for a little while, but it soon proved too small for the task. So I started in on the second napkin, holding it in tight and squeezing the bridge of my nose. I had my Aiwa Walkman on, but I’m pretty sure I heard a guy passing me on the street say “Uh oh.” Whoops, did I say “guy”? I meant “oracle.” I pulled the napkin out of my nose and immediately doubled over as blood came gushing out. It filled both of my hands and was spattered all over the sidewalk.
This is the part of my life where I am crouched down in the cold dark on Bowery next to a grated storefront, bleeding profusely into my cupped hands.
When the bleeding finally subsided, both the palms and backs of both hands were completely covered in blood, as well as my face. Then I had to walk through the streets of New York at night looking like I had not only killed someone, but had eaten them. The rest of the story is much less exciting, but it all ends dramatically with me eventually not having blood all over me.
So what is the point of this story? The point of the story is always carry this in your wallet in case of emergencies.
It has Thirsty O’s for when your brain leaks out your nasal passage. You’re welcome.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Alternate titles for this post:
1) Gross
2) Worker #3116 has committed the perfect crime
You just created a plausible reason for appearing in public covered in blood and then couched your actual reason (i.e. killings followed by eatings) in an attempt for sympathy. Not even Detective Ice-T could argue with your excuse, because of possible title 3:
3) Jews get nosebleeds
December 4th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
The Brawny guy is obviously a late 70’s gay porn star.
December 4th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
He would definitely be a power bottom
December 4th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Is a spontaneous nosebleed really a “brawny mess”? More like “nerd disorder” or “dork affliction”, I would say.
Summary: Keep your finger out of there.
December 4th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Is getting a nosebleed a Jewish thing (as per “Natasha’s” comment)?
I’m talking to myself.
December 4th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
i am so sorry that i am still laughing harder at this post than any other.
oh god i am still laughing. stop me.
December 4th, 2007 at 10:53 pm
the same exact thing happened when i was chillin in the amazon.
but looking like you killed and ate someone is totally normal in that part of the world, so, you know, i avoided that embarrassment.
December 5th, 2007 at 1:10 am
one pair of candy lips, a bubble gum tongue and a gushing nose. that’s a wonderland all right.
December 5th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
That made me feel really woozy just reading it. Last time I had to have blood drawn, it started with me telling the nurse, “I need to lie down on the floor now” and ended with me sitting outside on the street in Chelsea, not being able to remember how to use my cellphone to call someone to come and help me get home. All of which is to say, that was funny but now I feel ill.
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