Um, excuse me:

Yeah, I’m funnier than Jay Mohr. You know who else is funnier than Jay Mohr? Everyone. Everyone is funnier. That lady who takes pictures of Sudan babies to pay for her loft is funnier than Jay Mohr. And that’s just Jay Mohr. Let’s not even get into Jay Mohr on the subject of [...]

What have I been saying for years? That’s right. I have been saying that children are the cause of all our problems. Ebola? Children. Blood Nose 2007? Children. Iraq? OK, maybe not Iraq, but definitely Afghanistan, which is what gave Bush the confidence to go into Iraq. So in a way, yes.
“We know one of [...]

As if a scene in which Dane Cook deigns (fart! pronunciation pun) to sleep with a morbidly obese woman to break his sexual magic and finally date rape Jessica Alba and ends up in a shower scrubbing his dick with industrial cleaner because fucking morbidly obese women is so gross and hilarious wasn’t enough of [...]

Can we talk about the greatest what-the-fuckiest thing of all time?

WHAT IS THIS VIRTUAL INSANITY?
Okay, I like when she wants to have everyone’s baby ever, I like when things burst into iMovie starbursts, I like when she is in that boat race with that weird Nazi, I like when the black guy has a helicopter, [...]

Watch it. I’ll be back later.

1. No.
2. I’m glad that they did not get rid of the rattle sankes before FILLING THE TOWN WITH UNSUPERVIZED CHILDREN.
3. Something tells me that kid with the blue mohawk is not going to win the college scholarship.
4. I love that there are “no [...]

You guys,
Something is wrong with Britney’s vagina!

[via superfacial]

Despite everything I’ve ever said, as a rule, I don’t actually want to physically hurt children. But when I saw an 8-year-old girl on 9th Avenue today wearing a shirt that said “Exellence Comes at a Price” I wanted to beat her face so badly that her parents would wish they’d never met in college, [...]

I cannot tell you how excited I am that the war in Iraq is finally over, that we’ve successfully ended poverty AND racism in America, that the genocide in Sudan is getting the international attention it deserves, that we finally have a clear-eyed realistic approach to Afghanistan, North Korea, and Iran, that the lackluster economy [...]

This morning, America’s 300 millionth person was born. This would actually be kind of exciting, if all the other ones didn’t already suck so bad.
It’s like that old adage “It’s quality, not quantity,” except instead of ‘quality’ put “retards,” and instead of ‘not quantity’ put “300 million retards.”

I’ve written three different introductions to this post, but none of them work. The shit just makes me laugh. Volume UP.