It’s easy, living in New York, to feel out of your depth professionally. The city is filled with visual cues to how much more successful everyone else is, more wealthy, more capable. It’s like everyone knows something you don’t. You only have to pass by a real estate office’s window, or a Lamborghini store, to [...]

Alien held out its claw and shook the empty glass gently but with obvious insistence. Predator rolled its eyes and looked at the clock. Not even 9:30. At this rate, Alien would have drunk half a case of champagne before midnight, and he was out of his alien mind if he thought Predator was going [...]

When I was in basic college, I worked at a liquor store. There was one older, worn-out-bad-road-faced gentleman who came in every day and purchased one 22 of Budweiser, and one half-pint of Southern Comfort. But then one day, he came into the store carrying flowers, and he purchased TWO 22s of Budweiser, and TWO [...]

OK, if you see a little black kid on the subway and you think “Why is that kid drinking a Smirnoff Ice at 2 in the afternoon,” when actually it turns out it’s a Stewart’s Root Beer, which of these is your problem:
1. you are racist.
2. you are retarded.
3. you are a retarded racist.
NOW WITH [...]

You can’t seriously be telling me that rubbing cocaine on your gums makes them numb because it floods your gums with serotonin?
On what day, of the seven, did God create the Kraken?

Like most Americans, this morning I was flipping through a copy of the new Radar magazine and was curious to find a two page spread called “Stars on Ice,” which was eerily similar to a pitch of my own for “Celebrity Signature Cocktails.” Not only that, but it was written by Neel Shah. I don’t [...]

(huffingtonpost.com)
Is it just me, or are you totally confused by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? On the one hand, he’s a terrifying extremist and Holocaust denier with nuclear ambitions to God knows what end, and on the other hand there isn’t anyone in the world who looks like more fun to go grab a pomegranate martini.

Everyone is like OH MY GOD, Haley Joel Osment was arrested for drunk driving and marijuana possession, and faces up to six months in jail!
Everyone is like “Cole Sear needs to get some Commonth Sense,” and “I didn’t know robot pinnochios could drink.”
Everyone is like “I’m not as Haley Joel Osment as you drunk I [...]

(news.yahoo.com)
Continues to insist he can give up offensively insipid “comedy” whenever he wants.

A few weeks ago, when Clown Coffee and Cupcake would come over to watch The Soprans, they would bring this high octane blueberry ale or some candy bullshit. I don’t know. It was blueberry beer. It was for women. But it tasted alright, I’m just complaining. THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE, RIGHT, JOKER? Anyhow, [...]