As you know, I was my district commander in the War on Christmas, and of course, it is now two years since the last time we celebrated Christmas, a pretty clear cut victory for my cause. You may also know that I am a fan of horrible ideas in donut technology. So, you can imagine [...]

(People)

Last night, at 1:13 AM, I had my typical post-solid-Manhattans meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Also, there are some soy milk juice boxes in my refrigerator (nullus) from last weekend, so I drank a vanilla soy milk juice box. I was looking at this thing, because my mind is full of wonder [...]

From the mind that brought you Noodle Mile:
This morning I had a snooze dream that I think involved me being in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (I am the Lawnmower Man of sitcoms) but none of that is important. What’s important is that the dream featured ice cream donuts, which are donuts [...]

I was trying to figure out how to categorize Perez Hilton’s new look:

(mtv.com)
Then I was all, oh, right, Cartoon Rapist.
Clarification: a Cartoon Rapist is someone who rapes cartoons, not an animated depiction of a rapist, which would look more like a real rapist but with less color density.

There is a long article in the New York Times today about Mario Batali’s summer home in northern Michigan. I have a lot I could say about it, not least of which is the fact that of course Batali feels more comfortable vacationing in a part of the world where a big fatso with a [...]

“Nicole Richie confirms that she’s 4 months pregnant. She’s eating for one, now.”
I am ready to take over for Leno whenever.

Some days ago, my jaw seceded the front.
In the scream of the body, the ear you have been ashamed by your being able to tilt.
When training starting from there was a pain.

Actually, I have a very difficult relationship with cauliflower. I fucking hate it. So, there’s that. But it’s also one of the better reminders of how nice adulthood can be, because I know for a fact that I never have to eat cauliflower again. It’s a strong, disgusting testament to my independence.
Look, I’m sure I [...]

[09:10 AM]
Ti-1000: You know what’s really good? The chicken wings at Coco Loco.
Worker #3116: What’s Coco Loco?
Ti-1000: This Peruvian restaurant. The chicken wings are really good there.
Worker #3116: You know what I like to eat, but I rarely do? But I think about it all the time?
Ti-1000: Pussy.
Worker #3116: …
Ti-1000: …
Worker #3116: Right.
Ti-1000: No, what [...]