Many days ago, I wrote something that in the age of tea would have been called a “screed” about what I have been informed are called “Heelys,” but which I referred to as “those fucking shoes with the wheels or whatever.” I hate these shoes, and I hate the children who ride the cement rails [...]

Actually, I have a very difficult relationship with cauliflower. I fucking hate it. So, there’s that. But it’s also one of the better reminders of how nice adulthood can be, because I know for a fact that I never have to eat cauliflower again. It’s a strong, disgusting testament to my independence.
Look, I’m sure I [...]

What? Worker, I thought you had stopped doing Hate This Fridays! I don’t understand.
Well grow up, assholes. Don’t you get it, yet? I DO WHAT I WANT.
I hate these roller shoes that every kid is wearing them. Have you seen these roller shoes? Basically, think of those LA Gear light-up shoes from the mid-90s, except [...]

Like most Americans, this morning I was flipping through a copy of the new Radar magazine and was curious to find a two page spread called “Stars on Ice,” which was eerily similar to a pitch of my own for “Celebrity Signature Cocktails.” Not only that, but it was written by Neel Shah. I don’t [...]

When you have a theme, you stick with that theme even if it’s so fucking annoying: My Gym Nemesis.
I know that most of you don’t have a Gym Nemesis, because you are a fatty, but if you have one, you know that these guys are the worst. I used to be just like you, gross [...]

Fear of clowns/Evil clowns. Retarded/Retarded AND lame.
Having recently gone through an existential crisis that shook me to my core, a crisis with such grave mental repercussions that we will never, ever discuss it here, I know fear. I know what it is to stay up all night wondering why God even put you on Earth [...]

Jive handshakes.
No one that I spend any time with does jive handshakes, which means if I am experiencing a jive handshake it is with someone I’m just meeting. Now why on Earth would you think that I’d want to spend any more time having physical contact with any part of your body than I [...]

“Groovy” and “Funky.” I wish the Parliament Spaceship would come pick these words up and take them on a fantastic journey to…oh no! I never thought I’d see the tragedy of the Challenger replayed in my lifetime.
When someone uses the word “funky” I feel like my ears are being date raped by a sad, sad [...]

Vegans. I hate Moby, too, but this week it’s vegans.
Hating vegans is like shooting fish in a barrel, which is awesome, because shooting fish in a barrel would make a vegan cry. Granted, making a vegan cry is like shooting fish in a barrel, but I think you see how this can become a perpetual [...]

Animalistic behavior. Ew.
You know when you’re at some party or something and two girls are joking around in the kitchen and then maybe one of them smears some cake on the other one’s face or something and you’re like Okay, maybe this is going to start being a sex party, and then the other girl [...]