I am exhausted and I’m not even sure why

By Anne 2 years ago

First of all, thank you everyone for the prayers concerning Nathan. I received a reply from him this morning…And he is fine. Yay! He actually had not yet made it to Baghdad yet at the time he had emailed me…and while he had heard about attacks, he had not even heard that there had been soldier casualties. Anyway, thank you. I’m still feeling nervous for him, however, and that will probably continue. Nothing you can do about that.

So yesterday was a non-stop panic attack. If you don’t remember me talking about Nathan, my childhood friend who is currently serving in the Army, …and you obviously haven’t read enough of the archives to know about him. The guy that is going through the divorce, I’m going through a break up…and we’re both too vulnerable to know better.

Yes, I think I kind of have feelings for this guy. But I can’t act on them right now even if I wanted to, you know? We’re both in the wrong place right now. He’s broken. I’m broken. We’re both a mess and for now we have sat and written endless emails to each other in an attempt to vent out our feelings. There are things we have shared with each other that we would not and have not shared with our other friends and/or family members.  It’s been nice to have him in my life. And well, yes, I have developed some sort of feelings. I’m not sure what kind but yeah. They are there.

In an attempt to vent to myself and not to him about my frustration with my feelings, I wrote this faux email to him. Basically stating that we could not speak anymore because, well, I had these feelings (which I went on to describe about how wonderful and magnificent he is, etc…I laid it on pretty thick)…It was one of those things that I don’t think I ever would have sent to him. Or ever even told him. It’s that kind of situation. So yeah. I hit send instead of save.

And all day I freaked out just waiting for a response from him. FREAKED OUT. I nearly threw up a billion times. I still am upset to my stomach today. Anxiety kills me. If I have a full day of it? The next day, I feel like crap. Hence why I even rescheduled  my ladies night out to see Sex and the City. So, yeah.

Anyway, after that mess, I ended up writing this long ass email to him apologizing. Telling him that I was so freaking sorry. He is not in a good place and I’m not that kind of girl who would take advantage of his vulnerability, etc. I also would do anything and everything to not lose his friendship. I could not bear it if I lost him in my life. He is slowly becoming the one person in my life I trust the most. And I don’t trust anyone. He ended up writing back.

Which actually made me feel better. At least he didn’t say “Fat Chance.” But now my mom is being a huge brat. HUGE. Like asking me why he didn’t reply to the one I had accidentally sent? Maybe because I told him to not reply to it in my second email?? Lol…Seriously mom. I’m still going through this crap with Trent. His divorce became final last month. He’s got a lot of recovering to do. And so do I.

In other news, it feels like a Monday. I know that yesterday was Monday…But today feels like a continuation. I am exhausted and I’m not even sure why. I have been the last few days…And haven’t felt well, either. I know that there are weird bugs still traveling around work and…well, everywhere….I haven’t done anything that would make me tired. Maybe all of the extra exercise I’ve been tackling (especially last week!) has kicked my butt. Yesterday, I was so insanely nauseated that I swear I thought I was going to OD on phenergan (an anti-nausea/anti-emetic)…

Ok, not really. I only took a total of 50mg or two pills within 6 hours. That’s not bad. But it did make for A LOT of drowsiness (which is still dragging into today) and weird, graphic dreams. None of which I can remember at this moment. I hate that. You first wake up and are, like….wow! That was a good/bad/screwed up/weird dream! I have had graphic dreams for the longest time. I’m the type of person…that if I concentrate hard enough after being woken up in the middle of the night, I can usually manage to jump back into a dream. I think…if I think about it and remember to pick up a little notebook, I should start keeping a dream diary. If I wake up in the middle of the night because of a dream, I really should write it down….That would make for an interesting book. Except most of mine revolve around school, my ex (why won’t he leave my dreams? he always a JERK in my dreams!!!), work (you know that when you start actually doing work in your dreams that you’re stuck in a RUT), and….a combination of other things….phenomenal weather, end of the world, etc. Lol…I’d love to record my dreams.

Now that would rock.

I wish it were Friday, because I would really love to sleep in. I do not allow myself to ever sleep in on the weekdays anymore. 🙂 Then again, if it were Friday, I’d be way behind on my schedule for the Self Challenge. That would NOT be good. I’m already behind schedule. After a strenuous time last week…I’ve been tired and haven’t worked out yesterday or today so far. I plan to get in yoga with weights on FitTV at 5, however!

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